高考英語書面表達專項指導、講練及習作評析3(一)考場習作評析4

1、2019高考英語書面表達專項指導、講練及習作評析3 （1）考場習作評析4第三部分2013屆高考英語書面表達考場習作評析（四）試題來源（江蘇省石莊高級中學 2018屆書面表達指導與練習）請你根據(jù)以下這幅圖寫一篇英語短文。要求：1.描述圖畫；2.就圖畫所反映的內(nèi)容進行評論或提出自己的建議;3.詞數(shù):150左右。這是我們仿照北京市高考所出的題目。跟北京卷不同的是本書面表達要求詞數(shù)達到150左右。同時考生可以按照半開放式作文的方法進行寫作，也可以按照開放式作文的方法進行寫作。我們這兒所選的考場習作為開放式的?！究紙隽曌鳌?1 Th:； is a VB-id pjcnirr. which?？诳谘救?i

2、ought-prc-ckills messages. 2 ?In piciLir=. sevctal factory clnmtieys 冢and： frotn v.iiicli cjcuds of thick black stnokf art temg given off J jTrten a man 曾an也門口g aioLmd 也亡口下?工匕 am :i； njoutli fesls coafuied 丁加口 hencLiced rhe non-smokes 刃？n on the 詰：.ondered v.-hy v/hat the iactory does do;sn tagree i

3、th hat n my4(5)It fsnny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.(6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing atall. (7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of th

4、emselves, which is hard to convince others. (8)As an old saying goes “ sweep before your own door . (9)Therefore we must be strict with ourselves before we are strict with others.(10)Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society.在評析考生考場習作之前，先讓我們來看一看該書面表達的最基本的要點是什 么。.描述圖片內(nèi)容.自己的評論【總體評價】全文共10句1

5、54字。描述圖片內(nèi)容不僅全面，還為自己的評論打下了伏筆。評論也做到了有理有利有節(jié)。比較好地完成了題目所規(guī)定的任務。閱卷老師判分為21分(滿分為 25分)。【具體評價】【習作的亮點】1習作根據(jù)作者自身水平較多使用了復合句.全文共有七句為復合句.充分顯示了作者在 寫議論文方面的扎實的基本功.11 a v：vjdpicri.u-e; ,.viiich ccnveys icuh.r-provcm叫汨三壬12jln tlie picture:factor- chitnneyj stand; from v/hich clouds of tluck black smoL:; aretiEiag given

6、off. 3 T：ien a man kandm口號 aroiind factory with im his moirzi.feels connived -ie noticedrLcn-snicZin sjgii on ie T.vall.14；iHf v.,onderedv/hy waa:rhe iacior- does doesnt agre; vha: K :aysx(5)It s funny that tffectory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there.However, actually there e

7、xist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others.(8)As an old saying goes “ sweep before your own.door ”2.高級詞匯的使用較多vivid生動的thought-provoking 發(fā)人深省的forbid禁止exist有，存在restrict 限制convince使信服build up 建立harmonious 和諧的K句子結構感為復雜，如果你不仔細揣摩，就有可

8、能認為是錯句.口口： 141H Tonderwdv/har factor/ does doesnt witri v.-ha: itsay本句含有三個從句：一是廿3v.hy.賓語從句：二是wha:女farory do無主語從句；三是vhat i: says賓語從句口doeynT華工配立也是捐坯二.賓諳從句中謂語出本句意思是：他很納悶，這家工廠為什么言行不一呢.4.運用對比的手法，增加了文章感染力和說服力。如：（5） It s funny that thectory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. 本句用一個 w

9、hile”表示了強烈的對比。本句的意思是：這家工廠一邊排放著濃煙，而一邊又要禁止人們抽煙，真是滑稽可笑。緊接著又用對比的手法：（6）Compared to the amount of smoke given off by thefactory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all.來進一步增強文章的感染力。5諺語的使用彰顯了主題.As an old sanng goes ,wp before your on door,正如諺吾所說的那樣；正人先正 己”不但引起了下文而且突出了本文的主題.6最后一句使用了倒裝句給全文也噌色不少.Only in 山路 v,-

10、ay can we bu:ld up a hartnonious society.只有這樣我們才能建立T和諧的社會.【習作的缺點】1.動詞時態(tài)運用上有錯誤本篇書面表達所使用的時態(tài)應該是現(xiàn)在時。習作在描述圖畫時，卻犯了致命的錯誤。第(3) (4)兩句時態(tài)運用上混亂。而且又是在第一段，這樣給閱卷老師留下了很不好的印象。如果閱卷老師不耐心繼續(xù)看下去的話，恐怕這位考生的習作得分數(shù)最多不會超過17分。(3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he notice

11、s the non-smoking sign on the wall.(4)He wonders /is wondering why what the factory does doesn t agree with what it says?2.本習作運用的復雜句過多，不僅給人以故弄玄虛之嫌，而且使文章過于呆板，顯得不是 那么錯落有致。根據(jù)以上兩點我們將習作修改如下：【修改后的習作】This 1* a picture 常二匚h cones vs-provokingIn :hf picture, sevrrai出 3cL fac:crj are Divina off clouds of blac

12、k smcke. A unc passing tv fartorv 曾:無 3 c:gare :n his moudi fee confused農(nóng)口 ae nonces ie ncn-iinokiug cn 1二 E告h wonder：H2r, hy v/：tat the iacton- does doesn-t 年;其 what :t saysIts ftmny th丈 the facron- is producing thsc-: wie口笈 飛力:：之 stnokin? ds forbidden 由母 Compared to tlie amount of smoke ssven off

13、ty lie fac:or: smoking is noting 就 all Hovevsrf acmaZv 盤廿a 亡器 qu：:e a fewpeop；? v.Thc仁山.彳 hok to ifsirirt。:加rs instead of themselves,T-：nch S hard to com ince oiiers. As an old saying goes 三;邙 before your ovi doo:. Therafoi它,ve must be strict 不口:h醒 tefore v.e ar?丈門汽 口二由 oers. Only ：n :his way can v/

14、? bui：d upa iiarmon:ou- fortidpecpir :o smck? jt乎丫於 cff so much poisonous imoksWhat the picture above reflects is a common phenomenon which should be taken into consideration. In our daily life, some people make rules to restrict others but on the contrary, they often break the rules. For example, p

15、arents urge their kids not to play electronic games while they often play them even when they are having meals. Shouldn t parents set an example to their kids?Nowadays, there exist quite a few people who are strict with others, yet tolerant to themselves.And it is hard to convince others. So in my o

16、pinion, only if we should be more strict with ourselves will we qualify for asking others for much.參考答案2（建議式）This is a funny and instructive picture. In the picture, a young man is smoking happily in a factory when he sees a sign which means smoking on the wall. But he finds that the factory is givi

17、ng off large quantities of heavy smoke which makes him feel very puzzled, “Whydoes the factory forbid people to smoke while the factory itself emits so much poisonous smoke?Nowadays manvrhe danger of wmokjztg to Yeniseiand don-t allowpeople smoking m the factan: Howexer. thev don tpav anv anention tc the dang