304 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel.doc

304 The One With The Metaphorical TunnelScene: Monica and Rachels: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!Phoebe: Oh, oh! Its on again!Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.All: Shhhh!Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin-flangin hard to open.Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! Theres got to be a better way!Mike: And there is Kevin.Joey: Can we please turn this off?Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that youll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?Chandler: Youre flingin-flangin right I am!Mike: Keep in mind, hes never used this product before, youre gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. (Kevin starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you dont have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.(They all start laughing at him) Opening CreditsScene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.Chandler: Well, its official there are no good movies.Janice: Well, lets go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.) Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.Joey: (entering) Hey!Phoebe: Hey.Chandler: Hey, man. Whats up?Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didnt show up at the audition I didnt know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!Chandler: Well, Ill tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasnt me.Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me! Joey: How is it you?Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadnt found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand) Joey: Yep, thats my audition.Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.Phoebe: Yep, and thats why we dont invite you to play.Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.Phoebe: That is unfair. Ill call her and tell her it was totally my fault.Joey: Pheebs, you cant do that. The casting director doesnt talk to friends, she only talks to agents.Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing) . Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffays office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, shell know what its about.Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but cant because of the sling.) Phoebe: (on phone) Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I dont know what Im going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.Chandler: Is anybody else scared?Phoebe: (on phone) Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I dont care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him? (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandlers head over and writes on the back of his neck) Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.Scene: Monica and Rachels, Carol and Susan are dropping off BenCarol and Susan: (entering) Hey!Ross: Theres my boy! Heres my boy! And heres his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) Whats ah, whats my boy doing with a Barbi?Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.Susan: He carries it everywhere, its like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.Ross: Yeah, its, its, its cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?Susan: So hes got a doll? So what? Unless youre afraid hes gonna grow up and be in show business.Carol: This doesnt have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?Ross: You know what its fine. If youre okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.(cut to later in the day) Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how bout, dont you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur) Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why cant your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal) Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow) Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?Joey: Im sorry, it just felt nice.Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.Chandler: Just do it! Okay, its Janice and if I get it Im going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, thats great Im gonna have to see her tonight.Rachel: Whats the big deal? Why dont you wanna see Janice?Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.Ross: And thats bad because., you hate chicken piccata?Chandler: Noo.Ross: You didnt want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.Chandler: No, its like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: Run for your life! Get out of the building!Rachel: Men are unbelievable.Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) thats why I dont want to go tonight, Im afraid Im going to say something stupid.Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.Joey: Hey, you know about that?!Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I dont wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side! (Joey looks quizzically at Ross) Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.Chandler: Do we have any. (turns around and bumps Monicas fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?Joey: Well, Ive never been through the tunnel myself, cause as I understand it, youre not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me its pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If youre afraid of bugs.get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.Chandler: You think?Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if Im staring down the barrel of a gun, Im pretty much peeing every which way.Scene: Central Perk, Phoebes beeper is going offPhoebe: Oh, its your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, thats what its there for, emergencies and pretend agents.Joey: Come on baby, come on!Phoebe: (on phone, in Katelynns voice) Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, shes in her car Ill have to patch you through.Rachel: Very nice touch.Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) Okay, go ahead. (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, Will he work for scale? you ask me. Well, I dont know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next. (hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.Rachel: Unbelievable.Joey: Thank you so much.Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean Ive never talked on a car phone before.Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see theres this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldnt get me in.Phoebe: Oh, I dont know. I mean it was fun one time.Joey: Come on, please, itll be just this one more, well actually its two.Phoebe: Two?Joey: Yeah! Well, well really its three. Please. Youre so good at it. I love you.Phoebe: Okay, Ill do it, but just these three, rightJoey: Nooo, four.Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Chandler and Janice are having dinnerJanice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?Chandler: Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present) Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone youre sleeping with gives you contact paper.Chandler: Well, wait theres, theres more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.Janice: Oh, you didnt have to do this.Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, youre my girlfriend, and thats what girlfriends should, should get. Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, wouldve thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.Chandler: Well, not me. But thats whats happened, and, ah, and, and theres more. We should take a trip.Janice: We should?Chandler: Yep, were a couple and thats what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!Janice: (laughs) I dont think we need to, because youre tripping me out right now! Are you okay?Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that Im here its like what was the big deal. I could probably say Lets move in together. and Id be okay.Janice: You probably want us to move in together?Chandler: It doesnt scare me!Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden youre talking about moving in together. And, and I wasnt even that hungry. You know what, its getting a little late, and I-I should just, um. (starts to leave) Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, dont go! Ive scared ya! Ive said too much! Im hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! Its me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door) Commercial BreakScene: Monica and Rachels, Monica and Rachel are comforting ChandlerRachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream) Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.Rachel and Monica: Uff.Monica: That is never good.Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe its not so bad. How did you leave it?Chandler: She said shed call me.Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain) Chandler: Oh God.Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.Rachel: Yeah, well thats that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.Rachel: Yeah, you do.Chandler: So, you dont think Im terminal?Monica: Well, no, not at all, youre not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?Rachel and Monica: Nooo!Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.Monica: She has to know that your not ready.Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.Chandler: So Im not, not gonna lose her?Rachel: Oooh, honey, youre not a total loser.Chandler: I said, So Im not gonna lose her?Rachel: Oh.Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.Ross: Guess whos here. Its the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) A real American hero. Im G.I. Joe! Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.Rachel:G.I. Joe? Do you really think hes gonna fall for that?Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?Ross: Look Ben, its a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!Joey and Ross: Go Joe!Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave) Joey: Pheebs! There you are!Phoebe: No its not, sorry.Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway) Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didnt recognize you wearing, in those.pants.Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didnt get it! Okay, I mean you didnt get it, Im sorry, Im sorry.Joey: Its okay, these things happen.Phoebe: But they shouldnt happen, you know what, youre, youre in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I dont wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.Joey: Im, Im okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly) Phoebe: Oh, now youre sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, Im sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.Joey: No! No, no you cant quit! Youre the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you cant take it personally.Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.Joey: They actually said that?Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, theres that face again! See I cant do this job! I.Joey: No, no, no, see thats why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like They went another way, but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion) Youll never get me, Joe! (he then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandlers door, dead.) Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.Janice: What are you doing here?Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. Howve you been?Janice: Are you being British?!Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.Janice: Why are you shopping here? You dont live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?Chandler: Yeah, huh. Im just uh, you know Im just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf) Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?Chandler: Well, Im sorry if my friends arent as sophisticated as yours.Janice: Where is this party?Chandler: Here in Chelsea.Janice: Whos party is it?Chandler: A womansJanice: What woman?!Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea.Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either youre seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else youre pretending that youre seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by) Chandler: Can I be that guy?Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are therePhoebe: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on. Joey: Okay, shoot.Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.Joey: I didnt get it?Phoebe: No. They said you Werent believable as a human being. So, you can work on that. Joey: Okay, what else?Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said You were pretty but dumb.Joey: Oh.Phoebe: Oh no wait, Im sorry, thats pretty dumb.Joey: Look, its okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think Im gonna have to go back to Estelle.Phoebe: Oh.Joey: Yeah, well dont get me wrong, youre a better agent than she is, but at least with her I dont want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.Joey: You do, thanks.Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave) Joey: Wait a minute.Phoebe: What?Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) Thats-ah what I suspect