(完整版)《目送》龍應臺英譯版

Seeingbelovedoneoff

ByLongYingtaitranslatedbyDaiXiaoxia

InthefirstdayofHua’anenteringtheprimaryschool,IholdhishandinmineandwewalkedthroughseveralblockstotheVictoriaschool.ItwasintheearlySeptember,numerousfist-sizedfruitswerehangingallovertheappletreesandpeartreesineverycourtyard,andbranchesallloweredtheirheadsbecauseoftheheavyfruits,someofthemevencrossedthehedgeandtouchedpassenger’shairbelowthem.

Lotsofchildren,gatheredintheschoolground,werewaitingforthefirstringofclass.They,withtheirsmallhandsintheirparentspalms,lookedaroundtimidly.Theyweregraduatesofkindergarten,butthereisalawtheydidn’tknowyetthattheendingofonethingisalwaysthebeginningofanother.

Themomenttheschoolbellrang,therewasablurofpeoplecomingandgoing,runningtodifferentdirections.ButinsuchachaosIcouldstillfindthefigureofmychild—justlikeyoucaneasilyrecognizethevoiceofyourownbabywhenheisinthemiddleofahundredcryingbabiesinaroom.Hua’anwaswalkingforward,carryingacolorfulschoolbagonhisback.Heturnedhisshouldertomenowandthen,andhissightjusttouchedmygazeintheemptyspacebetweenus,liketheyhadtraveledthroughaboundlessriveroftime.

Ilookedathimuntilhissmallfigurevanishedbehindthedoor.

Attheageof16,hewenttoAmericaforoneyearasanexchangestudent.Itookhimtotheairport.Inthemomentofdeparture,wehuggedeachotherlikealways,andmyheadonlyreachedhischest,whichfeltlikeIwashuggingthefeetofagiraffe.Obviously,hewasdoinghisbesttostandhismother’sdeepaffection.

Hestoodinthelonglineandwaitedthepassportcheck,andIstoodintheoutside,myeyesightpinnedonhisfigure,movedforwardstepbystep.Finallyincamehisturn,hestoppedforamoment,tookhispassportbackfromthecustomswindowandthenwentthroughadoor,disappearedlikeaflash.

Ikeptwaiting,waitingforhislastglimpseoflookingbackbeforehisdeparture,butheneverdid,notasingletime.

Nowheis21,andstudyinthesameuniversityinwhereIteach.Butevenifwehappenedtogothesameway,heisreluctanttotakemycar.Evenweareinthesamecar,he’llputonhisearphone—toenjoythemusicbyhisown,hisheartislikeadoor,tightlyclosed.SometimesIcouldseehimwaitingforthebusacrossthestreetfromthewindowofthehighbuilding:atallandthinyoungman,staringatthegraysea.Icouldonlyimaginethattheinnerworldofhisisasdeepandsurgentasmine,butIcannotgetin.Later,thebusarrived,blockedhisfigure.Thenitdroveaway,leavingapostboxstandingaloneintheemptystreet.

Gradually,Irealizedthatthesosaidparentsandchildrenrelationshiponlymeansthatyouaredestinedtoseehimwalkingawayfurtherandfurther.Youstandonthissideoftheroad,andseehisfiguregraduallydisappearingintheturning,andthebackshadowofhisfiguretellyouthissilently:neverchaseforward.

Gradually,Irealizedthatmysorrowisrelatedtoanotherbackfigure.

AfterIgotmydoctor’sDegree,IcamebacktoTaiwantoteach.Inthefirstdayofregisteringintheuniversity,myfatherdrovemetherewithhisshabbyvanwhichusedtotransportfodder.Ididn’trealizeituntilIgotoffhisvanthathedidnotstopatthefrontdoor,insteadhepulledoveratanarrowalleynearthesidedoor.Afterunloadedmyluggage,heclimbedtohisseatandpreparedtogo.Healreadystartedtheenginethen,rolleddownthewindow,heleanedhisheadoutandsaid:“Daughter,Iamsosorry,thisshabbyvanreallydoesn’tfittosendyou—acollegeprofessortoschool.”

Iwatchedhimdrivinghisvancarefullyinreverse,thengettingoutofthealleyslowlywithaballofblacksmokesteamedbehindhim.Afterhisvangotoutofmysightintheturning,Istillstoodthereinamusebesidemytrunk.

ItwasmorethantenyearslaterthatIwenttovisithiminthehospitaleveryweekend.WhileIpushedhiswheelchairoutsidetotakeawalk,hisheaddroopedtohischest.OnceIfoundhisexcrementflowingfromhistrouserlegsandIbentdowntryingtowipeitoffwithmyhandkerchief,mydressgotstainedandIhadtorushtoTaipeitoworklikethat.Thenursetookhiswheelchairfromme,andIgrabbedmybag,sawthemwalkingoffandstoppedforamomentintheautomaticglassdoor,thendisappearedbehindit.ItseemslikeIalwaysrushedtotheairportintwilight.

Infrontofthecremator,thecoffinwaslikeahugeandheavydrawer,slidingforwardslowly.IneverthoughtIcouldstandsoclose,nomorethan5metersfromthecrematordoor.Thedrizzleswayedinthelongcorridorwiththewind.Ipulledmyrain-wettedhairaside,andgazedatthecoffinwithdeepemotion,inthehopethatIwillrememberthelasttimethatIsawmyfatheroff.

Gradually,Irealizedthatthesosaidparentsandchildrenr