TED英語(yǔ)演講：真正的強(qiáng)大

Word文檔TED英語(yǔ)演講：真正的強(qiáng)大有多少人能夠正視自己的弱點(diǎn)，接受它，并且堅(jiān)信即使這樣的自己不完善，但也值得被愛(ài)?比起假如把自己偽裝、硬撐得完善起來(lái)，接受自己的不完善，并承認(rèn)那才是一切制造力、士氣和革新的發(fā)源地，才是歡樂(lè)的最簡(jiǎn)潔方式。下面是我為大家收集關(guān)于TED英語(yǔ)演講：真正的強(qiáng)大，歡迎借鑒參考。

TED演講：真正的強(qiáng)大，是敢于面對(duì)那個(gè)脆弱而不完善的自己

演講稿

So,Illstartwiththis:acoupleyearsago,aneventplannercalledmebecauseIwasgoingtodoaspeakingevent.Andshecalled,andshesaid,Imreallystrugglingwithhowtowriteaboutyouonthelittleflyer.AndIthought,Well,whatsthestruggle?Andshesaid,Well,Isawyouspeak,andImgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink,butImafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewillcome,becausetheyllthinkyoureboringandirrelevant.

AndIwaslike,Okay.Andshesaid,ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalkisyoureastoryteller.SoIthinkwhatIlldoisjustcallyouastoryteller.Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofmewaslike,Youregoingtocallmeawhat?Andshesaid,Imgoingtocallyouastoryteller.AndIwaslike,Whynotmagicpixie?

Iwaslike,Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond.Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage.AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller.Imaqualitativeresearcher.Icollectstories;thatswhatIdo.Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul.AndmaybeImjustastoryteller.AndsoIsaid,Youknowwhat?WhydontyoujustsayImaresearcher-storyteller.Andshewent,Haha.Theresnosuchthing.

SoImaresearcher-storyteller,andImgoingtotalktoyoutoday--weretalkingaboutexpandingperception--andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestoriesaboutapieceofmyresearchthatfundamentallyexpandedmyperceptionandreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandloveandworkandparent.

Andthisiswheremystorystarts.WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent,myfirstyear,Ihadaresearchprofessorwhosaidtous,Heresthething,ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist.AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme.Iwaslike,Really?andhewaslike,Absolutely.AndsoyouhavetounderstandthatIhaveabachelorsandamastersinsocialwork,andIwasgettingmyPh.D.insocialwork,somyentireacademiccareerwassurroundedbypeoplewhokindofbelievedinthelifesmessy,loveit.AndImmoreofthe,lifesmessy,cleanitup,organizeitandputitintoabentobox.

AndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway,tofoundacareerthattakesme--really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialworkis,Leanintothediscomfortofthework.AndImlike,knockdiscomfortupsidetheheadandmoveitoverandgetallAs.Thatwasmymantra.SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis.AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme,becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics.ButIwanttobeabletomakethemnotmessy.Iwanttounderstandthem.IwanttohackintothesethingsthatIknowareimportantandlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.

SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection.Because,bythetimeyoureasocialworkerfor10years,whatyourealizeisthatconnectioniswhywerehere.Itswhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives.Thisiswhatitsallabout.Itdoesntmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjustice,mentalhealthandabuseandneglect,whatweknowisthatconnection,theabilitytofeelconnected,is--neurobiologicallythatshowwerewired--itswhywerehere.

SoIthought,youknowwhat,Imgoingtostartwithconnection.Well,youknowthatsituationwhereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss,andshetellsyou37thingsthatyoudoreallyawesome,andoneopportunityforgrowth?

Andallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunityforgrowth,right?Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell,because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove,theytellyouaboutheartbreak.Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging,theylltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiencesofbeingexcluded.Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection,thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.

Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch--IranintothisunnamedthingthatabsolutelyunraveledconnectioninawaythatIdidntunderstandorhadneverseen.AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearchandthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis.Anditturnedouttobeshame.Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstoodasthefearofdisconnection:Istheresomethingaboutmethat,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit,thatIwontbeworthyofconnection?

ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:Itsuniversal;weallhaveit.Theonlypeoplewhodontexperienceshamehavenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection.Noonewantstotalkaboutit,andthelessyoutalkaboutit,themoreyouhaveit.Whatunderpinnedthisshame,thisImnotgoodenough,--which,weallknowthatfeeling:Imnotblankenough.Imnotthinenough,richenough,beautifulenough,smartenough,promotedenough.Thethingthatunderpinnedthiswasexcruciatingvulnerability.Thisideaof,inorderforconnectiontohappen,wehavetoallowourselvestobeseen,reallyseen.

AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutvulnerability.Ihatevulnerability.AndsoIthought,thisismychancetobeatitbackwithmymeasuringstick.Imgoingin,Imgoingtofigurethisstuffout,Imgoingtospendayear,Imgoingtototallydeconstructshame,Imgoingtounderstandhowvulnerabilityworks,andImgoingtooutsmartit.SoIwasready,andIwasreallyexcited.Asyouknow,itsnotgoingtoturnoutwell.

Youknowthis.So,Icouldtellyoualotaboutshame,butIdhavetoborroweveryoneelsestime.ButhereswhatIcantellyouthatitboilsdownto--andthismaybeoneofthemostimportantthingsthatIveeverlearnedinthedecadeofdoingthisresearch.

Myoneyearturnedintosixyears:Thousandsofstories,hundredsoflonginterviews,focusgroups.Atonepoint,peopleweresendingmejournalpagesandsendingmetheirstories--thousandsofpiecesofdatainsixyears.AndIkindofgotahandleonit.Ikindofunderstood,thisiswhatshameis,thisishowitworks.Iwroteabook,Ipublishedatheory,butsomethingwasnotokay--andwhatitwasisthat,ifIroughlytookthepeopleIinterviewedanddividedthemintopeoplewhoreallyhaveasenseofworthiness--thatswhatthiscomesdownto,asenseofworthiness--theyhaveastrongsenseofloveandbelonging--andfolkswhostruggleforit,andfolkswhoarealwayswonderingiftheyregoodenough.

Therewasonlyonevariablethatseparatedthepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingandthepeoplewhoreallystruggleforit.Andthatwas,thepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingbelievetheyreworthyofloveandbelonging.Thatsit.Theybelievetheyreworthy.Andtome,thehardpartoftheonethingthatkeepsusoutofconnectionisourfearthatwerenotworthyofconnection,wassomethingthat,personallyandprofessionally,IfeltlikeIneededtounderstandbetter.SowhatIdidisItookalloftheinterviewswhereIsawworthiness,whereIsawpeoplelivingthatway,andjustlookedatthose.

Whatdothesepeoplehaveincommon?Ihaveaslightofficesupplyaddiction,butthatsanothertalk.SoIhadamanilafolder,andIhadaSharpie,andIwaslike,whatamIgoingtocallthisresearch?Andthefirstwordsthatcametomymindwerewhole-hearted.Thesearewhole-heartedpeople,livingfromthisdeepsenseofworthiness.SoIwroteatthetopofthemanilafolder,andIstartedlookingatthedata.Infact,Ididitfirstinafour-day,veryintensivedataanalysis,whereIwentback,pulledtheinterviews,thestories,pulledtheincidents.Whatsthetheme?Whatsthepattern?MyhusbandlefttownwiththekidsbecauseIalwaysgointothisJacksonPollockcrazything,whereImjustwritingandinmyresearchermode.

AndsohereswhatIfound.Whattheyhadincommonwasasenseofcourage.AndIwanttoseparatecourageandbraveryforyouforaminute.Courage,theoriginaldefinitionofcourage,whenitfirstcameintotheEnglishlanguage--itsfromtheLatinwordcor,meaningheart--andtheoriginaldefinitionwastotellthestoryofwhoyouarewithyourwholeheart.Andsothesefolkshad,verysimply,thecouragetobeimperfect.Theyhadthecompassiontobekindtothemselvesfirstandthentoothers,because,asitturnsout,wecantpracticecompassionwithotherpeopleifwecanttreatourselveskindly.Andthelastwastheyhadconnection,and--thiswasthehardpart--asaresultofauthenticity,theywerewillingtoletgoofwhotheythoughttheyshouldbeinordertobewhotheywere,whichyouhavetoabsolutelydothatforconnection.

Theotherthingthattheyhadincommonwasthis:Theyfullyembracedvulnerability.Theybelievedthatwhatmadethemvulnerablemadethembeautiful.Theydidnttalkaboutvulnerabilitybeingcomfortable,nordidtheyreallytalkaboutitbeingexcruciating--asIhadhearditearlierintheshameinterviewing.Theyjusttalkedaboutitbeingnecessary.Theytalkedaboutthewillingnesstosay,Iloveyoufirst...thewillingnesstodosomethingwheretherearenoguarantees...thewillingnesstobreathethroughwaitingforthedoctortocallafteryourmammogram.Theyrewillingtoinvestinarelationshipthatmayormaynotworkout.Theythoughtthiswasfundamental.

Ipersonallythoughtitwasbetrayal.IcouldnotbelieveIhadpledgedallegiancetoresearch,whereourjob--youknow,thedefinitionofresearchistocontrolandpredict,tostudyphenomenafortheexplicitreasontocontrolandpredict.Andnowmymissiontocontrolandpredicthadturneduptheanswerthatthewaytoliveiswithvulnerabilityandtostopcontrollingandpredicting.Thisledtoalittlebreakdown--

Anditdid.

Icallitabreakdown;mytherapistcallsitaspiritualawakening.

Aspiritualawakeningsoundsbetterthanbreakdown,butIassureyou,itwasabreakdown.AndIhadtoputmydataawayandgofindatherapist.Letmetellyousomething:youknowwhoyouarewhenyoucallyourfriendsandsay,IthinkIneedtoseesomebody.Doyouhaveanyrecommendations?Becauseaboutfiveofmyfriendswerelike,Wooo,Iwouldntwanttobeyourtherapist.

Iwaslike,Whatdoesthatmean?Andtheyrelike,Imjustsaying,youknow.Dontbringyourmeasuringstick.

Iwaslike,Okay.SoIfoundatherapist.Myfirstmeetingwithher,Diana--Ibroughtinmylistofthewaythewhole-heartedlive,andIsatdown.Andshesaid,Howareyou?AndIsaid,Imgreat.Imokay.Shesaid,Whatsgoingon?Andthisisatherapistwhoseestherapists,becausewehavetogotothose,becausetheirB.S.metersaregood.

AndsoIsaid,Heresthething,Imstruggling.Andshesaid,Whatsthestruggle?AndIsaid,Well,Ihaveavulnerabilityissue.AndIknowthatvulnerabilityisthecoreofshameandfearandourstruggleforworthiness,butitappearsthatitsalsothebirthplaceofjoy,ofcreativity,ofbelonging,oflove.AndIthinkIhaveaproblem,andIneedsomehelp.AndIsaid,Butheresthething:nofamilystuff,nochildhoodshit.

Ijustneedsomestrategies.

Thankyou.Soshegoeslikethis.

AndthenIsaid,Itsbad,right?Andshesaid,Itsneithergoodnorbad.

Itjustiswhatitis.AndIsaid,OhmyGod,thisisgoingtosuck.

Anditdid,anditdidnt.Andittookaboutayear.Andyouknowhowtherearepeoplethat,whentheyrealizethatvulnerabilityandtendernessareimportant,thattheysurrenderandwalkintoit.A:thatsnotme,andB:Idontevenhangoutwithpeoplelikethat.

Forme,itwasayearlongstreetfight.Itwasaslugfest.Vulnerabilitypushed,Ipushedback.Ilostthefight,butprobablywonmylifeback.

AndsothenIwentbackintotheresearchandspentthenextcoupleofyearsreallytryingtounderstandwhatthey,thewhole-hearted,whatchoicestheyweremaking,andwhatwearedoingwithvulnerability.Whydowestrugglewithitsomuch?AmIaloneinstrugglingwithvulnerability?No.

SothisiswhatIlearned.Wenumbvulnerability--whenwerewaitingforthecall.Itwasfunny,IsentsomethingoutonTwitterandonFacebookthatsays,Howwouldyoudefinevulnerability?Whatmakesyoufeelvulnerable?Andwithinanhourandahalf,Ihad150responses.BecauseIwantedtoknowwhatsoutthere.HavingtoaskmyhusbandforhelpbecauseImsick,andwerenewlymarried;initiatingsexwithmyhusband;initiatingsexwithmywife;beingturneddown;askingsomeoneout;waitingforthedoctortocallback;gettinglaidoff;layingoffpeople.Thisistheworldwelivein.Weliveinavulnerableworld.Andoneofthewayswedealwithitiswenumbvulnerability.

AndIthinktheresevidence--anditsnottheonlyreasonthisevidenceexists,butIthinkitsahugecause--Wearethemostin-debt...obese...addictedandmedicatedadultcohortinU.S.history.Theproblemis--andIlearnedthisfromtheresearch--thatyoucannotselectivelynumbemotion.Youcantsay,heresthebadstuff.Heresvulnerability,heresgrief,heresshame,heresfear,heresdisappointment.Idontwanttofeelthese.Imgoingtohaveacoupleofbeersandabanananutmuffin.

Idontwanttofeelthese.AndIknowthatsknowinglaughter.Ihackintoyourlivesforaliving.God.

Youcantnumbthosehardfeelingswithoutnumbingtheotheraffects,ouremotions.Youcannotselectivelynumb.Sowhenwenumbthose,wenumbjoy,wenumbgratitude,wenumbhappiness.Andthen,wearemiserable,andwearelookingforpurposeandmeaning,andthenwefeelvulnerable,sothenwehaveacoupleofbeersandabanananutmuffin.Anditbecomesthisdangerouscycle.

OneofthethingsthatIthinkweneedtothinkaboutiswhyandhowwenumb.Anditdoesntjusthavetobeaddiction.Theotherthingwedoiswemakeeverythingthatsuncertaincertain.Religionhasgonefromabeliefinfaithandmysterytocertainty.Imright,yourewrong.Shutup.Thatsit.Justcertain.Themoreafraidweare,themorevulnerableweare,themoreafraidweare.Thisiswhatpoliticslooksliketoday.Theresnodiscourseanymore.Theresnoconversation.Theresjustblame.Youknowhowblameisdescribedintheresearch?Awaytodischargepainanddiscomfort.Weperfect.Iftheresanyonewhowantstheirlifetolooklikethis,itwouldbeme,butitdoesntwork.Becausewhatwedoiswetakefatfromourbuttsandputitinourcheeks.

Whichjust,Ihopein100years,peoplewilllookbackandgo,Wow.

Andweperfect,mostdangerously,ourchildren.Letmetellyouwhatwethinkaboutchildren.Theyrehardwiredforstrugglewhentheygethere.Andwhenyouholdthoseperfectlittlebabiesinyourhand,ourjobisnottosay,Lookather,shesperfect.Myjobisjusttokeepherperfect--makesureshemakesthetennisteambyfifthgradeandYalebyseventh.Thatsnotourjob.Ourjobistolookandsay,Youknowwhat?Youreimperfect,andyourewiredforstruggle,butyouareworthyofloveandbelonging.Thatsourjob.Showmeagenerationofkidsraisedlikethat,andwellendtheproblems,Ithink,thatweseetoday.Wepretendthatwhatwedodoesnthaveaneffectonpeople.Wedothatinourpersonallives.Wedothatcorporate--whetheritsabailout,anoilspill...arecall.Wepretendlikewhatweredoingdoesnthaveahugeimpactonotherpeople.Iwouldsaytocompanies,thisisnotourfirstrodeo,people.Wejustneedyoutobeauthenticandrealandsay...Weresorry.Wellfixit.

Buttheresanotherway,andIllleaveyouwiththis.ThisiswhatIhavefound:Toletourselvesbeseen,deeplyseen,vulnerablyseen...tolovewithourwholehearts,eventhoughtheresnoguarantee--andthatsreallyhard,andIcantellyouasaparent,thatsexcruciatinglydifficult--topracticegratitudeandjoyinthosemomentsofterror,whenwerewondering,CanIloveyouthismuch?CanIbelieveinthisthispassionately?CanIbethisfierceaboutthis?justtobeabletostopand,insteadofcatastrophizingwhatmighthappen,tosay,Imjustsograteful,becausetofeelthisvulnerablemeansImalive.Andthelast,whichIthinkisprobablythemostimportant,istobelievethatwereenough.Becausewhenweworkfromaplace,Ibelieve,thatsays,Imenough...thenwestopscreamingandstartlistening,werekinderandgentlertothepeoplearoundus,andwerekinderandgentlertoourselves.

ThatsallIhave.Thankyou.

那我就這么開(kāi)頭吧：幾年前，一個(gè)活動(dòng)策劃人打電話給我，由于我當(dāng)時(shí)要做一個(gè)演講。她在電話里說(shuō)：“我真很苦惱該如何在宣揚(yáng)單上介紹你?！蔽倚南耄趺磿?huì)苦惱呢?她連續(xù)道：“你看，我聽(tīng)過(guò)你的演講，我覺(jué)得我可以稱你為討論者，可我擔(dān)憂的是，假如我這么稱呼你，沒(méi)人會(huì)來(lái)聽(tīng)，由于大家普遍認(rèn)為討論員很無(wú)趣而且脫離現(xiàn)實(shí)?！焙?。然后她說(shuō)：“但是我喜愛(ài)你的演講，就跟講故事一樣很吸引人。

我想來(lái)想去，還是覺(jué)得稱你為講故事的人比較妥當(dāng)?！倍莻€(gè)做學(xué)術(shù)的，感到擔(dān)心的我脫口而出道：“你要叫我什么?”她說(shuō)：“我要稱你為講故事的人。我心想：”為什么不干脆叫魔法小精靈?“我說(shuō)：”讓我考慮一下。“我試著鼓起士氣。我對(duì)自己說(shuō)，我是一個(gè)講故事的人。

我是一個(gè)從事定性討論的科研人員。我收集故事;這就是我的工作?；蛟S故事就是有靈魂的數(shù)據(jù)。或許我就是一個(gè)講故事的人。于是我說(shuō)：“聽(tīng)著，要不你就稱我為做討論兼講故事的人。”她說(shuō)：“哈哈，沒(méi)這么個(gè)說(shuō)法呀?！彼晕沂莻€(gè)做討論兼講故事的人，我今日想跟大家談?wù)摰?-我們要談?wù)摰脑掝}是關(guān)于拓展認(rèn)知--我想給你們講幾個(gè)故事是關(guān)于我的一份討論的，這份討論從本質(zhì)上拓寬了我個(gè)人的認(rèn)知，也確的確實(shí)轉(zhuǎn)變了我生活、愛(ài)、工作還有教育孩子的方式。

我的故事從這里開(kāi)頭。當(dāng)我還是個(gè)年輕的博士討論生的時(shí)候，第一年，有位討論教授對(duì)我們說(shuō)：”事實(shí)是這樣的，假如有一個(gè)東西你無(wú)法測(cè)量，那么它就不存在。“我心想他只是在哄哄我們這些小孩子吧。我說(shuō)：“真的么?”他說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然。”你得知道我有一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的學(xué)士文憑，一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的碩士文憑，我在讀的是一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的博士文憑，所以我整個(gè)學(xué)術(shù)生涯都被人所包圍，他們大抵信任生活是一團(tuán)亂麻，接受它。

而我的觀點(diǎn)則傾向于，生活是一團(tuán)亂麻，解開(kāi)它，把它整理好，再歸類放入便當(dāng)盒里。(笑聲)我覺(jué)得我領(lǐng)悟到了關(guān)鍵，有力量去創(chuàng)一番事業(yè)，讓自己--真的，社會(huì)工作的一個(gè)重要理念是置身于工作的不適中。我就是要把這不適翻個(gè)底朝天每科都拿到A。這就是我當(dāng)時(shí)的信條。我當(dāng)時(shí)真的是躍躍欲試。我想這就是我要的職業(yè)生涯，由于我對(duì)亂成一團(tuán)，難以處理的課題感愛(ài)好。我想要把它們弄清晰。我想要理解它們。我想侵入那些我知道是重要的東西把它們摸透，然后用淺顯易懂的方式呈獻(xiàn)給每一個(gè)人。

所以我的起點(diǎn)是“關(guān)系”。由于當(dāng)你從事了20xx年的社會(huì)工作，你必定會(huì)發(fā)覺(jué)關(guān)系是我們活著的緣由。它給予了我們生命的意義。就是這么簡(jiǎn)潔。無(wú)論你跟誰(shuí)溝通工作在社會(huì)執(zhí)法領(lǐng)域的也好，負(fù)責(zé)精神健康、虐待和疏于看管領(lǐng)域的也好我們所知道的是，關(guān)系是種感應(yīng)的力量--生物神經(jīng)上，我們是這么被設(shè)定的--這就是為什么我們?cè)谶@兒。所以我就從關(guān)系開(kāi)頭。

下面這個(gè)場(chǎng)景我們?cè)偈熳R(shí)不過(guò)了，你的上司給你作工作評(píng)估，她告知了你37點(diǎn)你做得相當(dāng)棒的地方，還有一點(diǎn)--成長(zhǎng)的空間?(笑聲)然后你滿腦子都想著那一點(diǎn)成長(zhǎng)的空間，不是么。這也是我討論的一個(gè)方面，由于當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)搻?ài)情，他們告知你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)摎w屬感，他們告知你的是最讓他們痛心的被排斥的經(jīng)受。當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)撽P(guān)系，他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關(guān)系的故事。所以很快的--在大約開(kāi)頭討論這個(gè)課題6周以后--我遇到了這個(gè)前所未聞的東西它揭示了關(guān)系以一種我不理解也從沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)的方式。所以我暫停了原先的討論方案，對(duì)自己說(shuō)，我得弄清晰這究竟是什么。它最終被鑒定為恥辱感。恥辱感很簡(jiǎn)單理解，即可怕被斷絕關(guān)系。

有沒(méi)有一些關(guān)于我的事假如別人知道了或看到了，會(huì)認(rèn)為我不值得交往。我要告知你們的是：這種現(xiàn)象很普遍;我們都會(huì)有(這種想法)。

沒(méi)有體驗(yàn)過(guò)恥辱的人不具有人類的憐憫或關(guān)系。沒(méi)人想談?wù)撟约旱聂苁?，你談?wù)摰脑缴?，你越感到可恥。滋生恥辱感的是一種“我不夠好.的心態(tài)--我們都知道這是個(gè)什么味道：”我不夠什么。我不夠苗條，不夠有錢(qián)，不夠美麗，不夠聰慧，職位不夠高。“而支撐這種心態(tài)的是一種刻骨銘心的脆弱，關(guān)鍵在于要想產(chǎn)生關(guān)系，我們必需讓自己被觀察，真真實(shí)切地被觀察。

你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。所以我思索著，這次是輪到我用我的標(biāo)尺擊潰它的時(shí)候了。我要闖進(jìn)去，把它弄清晰，我要花一年的時(shí)間，徹底瓦解恥辱，我要搞清晰脆弱是怎么運(yùn)作的，然后我要智取賽過(guò)它。所以我預(yù)備好了，特別興奮。跟你估計(jì)的一樣，事與愿違。(笑聲)你知道這個(gè)(結(jié)果)。我能告知你關(guān)于恥辱的許多東西，但那樣我就得占用別人的時(shí)間了。但我在這兒可以告知你，歸根究竟--這或許是我學(xué)到的最重要的東西-在從事討論的數(shù)十年中。我估計(jì)的一年變成了六年，成千上萬(wàn)的故事，成百上千個(gè)采訪，焦點(diǎn)集中。

有時(shí)人們發(fā)給我期刊報(bào)道，發(fā)給我他們的故事--不計(jì)其數(shù)的數(shù)據(jù)，就在這六年中。我也許把握了它。

我也許理解了這就是恥辱，這就是它的運(yùn)作方式。我寫(xiě)了本書(shū)，我出版了一個(gè)理論，但總覺(jué)得哪里不對(duì)勁--它其實(shí)是，假如我粗略地把我采訪過(guò)的人分成具有自我價(jià)值感的人--說(shuō)究竟就是自我價(jià)值感--他們勇于去愛(ài)并且擁有劇烈的歸屬感--另一部分則是為之苦苦掙扎的人，總是懷疑自己是否足夠好的人。

區(qū)分那些敢于去愛(ài)并擁有劇烈歸屬感的人和那些為之而苦苦掙扎的人的變量只有一個(gè)。那就是，那些敢于去愛(ài)并擁有劇烈歸屬感的人信任他們值得被愛(ài)，值得享有歸屬感。就這么簡(jiǎn)潔。他們信任自己的價(jià)值。而對(duì)于我，那個(gè)阻礙人與人之間關(guān)系的最困難的部分是我們對(duì)于自己不值得享有這種關(guān)系的恐驚，無(wú)論從個(gè)人，還是職業(yè)上我都覺(jué)得我有必要去更深化地了解它。所以接下來(lái)我找出全部的采訪記錄找出那些體現(xiàn)自我價(jià)值的，那些持有這種觀念的記錄，集中討論它們。

這群人有什么共同之處?我對(duì)辦公用品有點(diǎn)癡迷，但這是另一個(gè)話題了。我有一個(gè)牛皮紙文件夾，還有一個(gè)三福極好筆，我心想，我該怎么給這項(xiàng)討論命名呢?第一個(gè)蹦入我腦子的是全心全意這個(gè)詞。這是一群全心全意，靠著一種劇烈的自我價(jià)值感在生活的人們。所以我在牛皮紙夾的上端這樣寫(xiě)道，而后我開(kāi)頭查看數(shù)據(jù)。

事實(shí)上，我開(kāi)頭是用四天時(shí)間集中分析數(shù)據(jù)，我從頭找出那些采訪，找出其中的故事和大事。主題是什么?有什么規(guī)律?我丈夫帶著孩子離開(kāi)了小鎮(zhèn)，由于我老是陷入像杰克遜.波洛克(美國(guó)近代抽象派畫(huà)家)似的瘋狂狀態(tài)，我始終在寫(xiě)，完全沉醉在討論的狀態(tài)中。下面是我的發(fā)覺(jué)。這些人的共同之處在于士氣。

我想在這里先花一分鐘跟大家區(qū)分一下士氣和膽識(shí)。士氣，最初的定義，當(dāng)它剛消失在英文里的時(shí)候--是從拉丁文cor，意為心，演化過(guò)來(lái)的--最初的定義是真心地?cái)⑹鲆粋€(gè)故事，告知大家你是誰(shuí)的。所以這些人就具有士氣承認(rèn)自己不完善。他們具有憐憫心，先是對(duì)自己的，再是對(duì)他人的，由于，事實(shí)是，我們假如不能善待自己，我們也無(wú)法善待他人。最終一點(diǎn)，他們都能和他人建立關(guān)系，--這是很難做到的--前提是他們必需坦誠(chéng)，他們情愿放開(kāi)自己設(shè)定的那個(gè)抱負(fù)的自我以換取真正的自我，這是贏得關(guān)系的必要條件。

他們還有另外一個(gè)共同之處那就是，他們?nèi)唤邮艽嗳?。他們信任讓他們變得脆弱的東西也讓他們變得漂亮。他們不認(rèn)為脆弱是尋求舒適，也不認(rèn)為脆弱是鉆心的痛苦--正如我之前在關(guān)于恥辱的采訪中聽(tīng)到的。他們只是簡(jiǎn)潔地認(rèn)為脆弱是必需的。他們會(huì)談到情愿說(shuō)出我愛(ài)你，情愿做些沒(méi)有的事情，情愿等待醫(yī)生的電話，在做完乳房X光檢查之后。他們情愿為情感投資，無(wú)論有沒(méi)有結(jié)果。他們覺(jué)得這些都是最根本的。

我當(dāng)時(shí)認(rèn)為那是背叛。我無(wú)法信任我盡然對(duì)科研宣誓效忠--討論的定義是掌握。然后猜測(cè)，去討論現(xiàn)象，為了一個(gè)明確的目標(biāo)，去掌握并猜測(cè)。而我現(xiàn)在的使命即掌握并猜測(cè)卻給出了這樣一個(gè)結(jié)果：要想與脆弱共存就得停止掌握，停止猜測(cè)于是我崩潰了--其實(shí)更像是這樣。它的確是。我稱它為崩潰，我的心理醫(yī)生稱它為靈魂的覺(jué)醒。

靈魂的覺(jué)醒當(dāng)然比精神崩潰要好聽(tīng)許多，但我跟你說(shuō)那的確是精神崩潰。然后我不得不暫且把數(shù)據(jù)放一邊，去求助心理醫(yī)生。讓我告知你：你知道你是誰(shuí)當(dāng)你打電話跟你伴侶說(shuō)：“我覺(jué)得我需要跟人談?wù)?。你有什么好的建議嗎?“由于我大約有五個(gè)伴侶這么回答：”喔。我可不想當(dāng)你的心理醫(yī)生?！蔽艺f(shuō)：“這是什么意思?“他們說(shuō)：”我只是想說(shuō)，別帶上你的標(biāo)尺來(lái)見(jiàn)我?！拔艺f(shuō)：”行?！?/p>

就這樣我找到了一個(gè)心理醫(yī)生。我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次見(jiàn)面--我?guī)チ艘环荼韱紊厦娑际悄切┤硇耐度肷畹娜说纳罘绞?，然后我坐下了。她說(shuō)：”你好嗎?“我說(shuō)：”我很好。還不賴。“她說(shuō)：”發(fā)生了什么事?“這是一個(gè)治療心理醫(yī)生的心理醫(yī)生，我們不得不去看這些心理醫(yī)生，由于他們的廢話測(cè)量?jī)x很準(zhǔn)(知道你什么時(shí)候在說(shuō)真心話)。所以我說(shuō)：“事情是這樣的。我很糾結(jié)?！彼f(shuō)：“你糾結(jié)什么?”我說(shuō)：”嗯，我跟脆弱過(guò)不去。

而且我知道脆弱是恥辱和恐驚的根源是我們?yōu)樽晕覂r(jià)值而掙扎的根源，但它同時(shí)又是歡快，制造性，歸屬感，愛(ài)的源泉。所以我覺(jué)得我有問(wèn)題，我需要關(guān)心?！拔已a(bǔ)充道：”但是，這跟家庭無(wú)關(guān)，跟童年無(wú)關(guān)?！啊拔抑恍枰恍┎呗??！备兄x。戴安娜的反應(yīng)是這樣的。我接著說(shuō)：“這很糟糕，對(duì)么?”她說(shuō)：“這不算好，也不算壞?！薄八?/p>