月浙江高考讀后續(xù)寫講評(píng)

OneweekendinJuly,Janeandherhusband,Tom,haddriventhreehourstocampovernightbyalakeintheforest.Unfortunately,onthewayanunpleasantsubjectcameupandtheystartedtoquarrel.Bythetimetheyreachedthelake,JanewassoangrythatshesaidtoTom,“I’mgoingtofindabetterspotforustocamp”andwalkedaway.Withnopathtofollow,Janejustwalkedonforquitealongtime.Aftershehadclimbedtoahighplace,sheturnedaround,hopingtoseethelake.Tohersurprise,shesawnothingbutforestand,farbeyond,asnowcappedmountaintop.Shesuddenlyrealizedthatshewaslost.“Tom!”shecried.“Help!”Noreply.IfonlyshehadnotlefthermobilephoneinthatbagwithTom.Janekeptmoving,butthefarthershewalked,themoreconfusedshebecame.Asnightwasbeginningtofall,Janewassotiredthatshehadtostopforthenight.Lyingawakeinthedark,JanewantedverymuchtobewithTomandherfamily.Shewantedtoholdhimandtellhimhowmuchshelovedhim.第1頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第一頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。

Janeroseatthebreakofday,hungryandthirsty.Shecouldhearwatertrickling(滴落)somewhereatadistance.Quicklyshefollowedthesoundtoastream.Tohergreatjoy,shealsosawsomeberrybushes.Shedrankandateafewberries.Neverinherlifehadshetastedanythingbetter.Feelingstrongernow,Janebegantowalkalongthestreamandhopeitwouldleadhertothelake.Asshepickedherwaycarefullyalongthestream,Janeheardahelicopter.Isthatforme?Unfortunately,thetreesmadeitimpossibleforpeopletoseeherfromabove.Afewminuteslater,anotherhelicopterflewoverhead.Janetookoffheryellowblouse,

thinkingthatsheshouldgotoanopenareaandflagthemiftheycamebackagain.

But

no

more

helicopters

came

and

it

was

dark.

__________________________

_________________________________________________________________

It

was

daybreak

when

Jane

woke

up.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________第2頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第二頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。續(xù)寫批改要求：語(yǔ)言---功能與目的是否完成了交際任務(wù)，即，意義的表達(dá)與傳達(dá)。Writer表達(dá)的與Reader理解的是否一致。寫的東西是否makesense,正確和完整性。給分檔次融洽度：人物，地點(diǎn)，事件等與前文相符合。晚上Jane做了生么？從Jane的角度去寫。這樣銜接才合理?！拔臍狻?--讀起來(lái)通暢，舒服。關(guān)鍵詞對(duì)續(xù)寫起框定和引導(dǎo)作用：

人物：Jane/Tom

環(huán)境：theforest

器物：helicopter/yellowblouse

動(dòng)作：walked/climbed內(nèi)容如何豐富：1）同義詞、反義詞替換。2）故事情節(jié)上下功夫。

15分為及格分。批卷時(shí)：先確定檔次，再定給分。以語(yǔ)言為主，情節(jié)次之。全抄的零分，拼湊的有意義的，給1—2分。少于130個(gè)字的扣2分。第3頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第三頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)?？忌魑模?）P1Janewasexhaustedsinceshehadwalkedforseveralhoursalongthestream.However,shestillmanagedtocoverabigrockwithheryellowblouse,wonderingifanotherhelicopterwouldnoticethisremarkablesign.Shewasconvincedthatthelakewasnearby.Afterdoingthis,sheeventuallyclosedhereyesandhadasoundsleep.

P2Shestruggledtoherfeetandfoundherselfinatent.Walkingoutside,ahelicoptercameintohersight.“Yousee,itdidsaveyourlife.”saidTom,whohandedahotchocolatetoJane.“ThemomentIlosttrackofyou,Icalledthepolicetofindyou.Inspiteofthefirsttwofailedattempts,wesawyouryellowblouselastnight.”SomethingstuckinJane’sthroatandshecouldsaynothingwithtearswellingupinhereyes.Thecouplehuggedeachotherinthemorningbreeze.(148words)

第4頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第四頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。短文續(xù)寫高分特質(zhì)融洽度與銜接內(nèi)容與關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)與詞匯句間連接

與結(jié)構(gòu)高；合理豐富；≥5個(gè)豐富；準(zhǔn)確有效；緊湊1）合理推理邏輯性強(qiáng)；人稱、時(shí)態(tài)、原文詞塊、句式順承度高；2）思路立意高遠(yuǎn)；3）文風(fēng)協(xié)調(diào)一致；情節(jié)推進(jìn)細(xì)節(jié)展開(kāi)關(guān)鍵詞多且標(biāo)注多種句式語(yǔ)法正確表達(dá)地道關(guān)聯(lián)詞合理情節(jié)緊密第5頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第五頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。樣卷1(23分)Butnomorehelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Feeling

scaredandhelpless,Janesatbesideatreeandheldhershoulderinherarmstomakeherselfwarm.Slowly,thesunhidhimselfbehindthemoutains,anditwashardtoseeanything.Lookingthroughthethickdarkness,JaneseemedtoseeTom’ssmilingface.ShesaidtoherselfforthousandstimesthatshewouldnotleaveTomagain.Withamindtofindhim,Janestratedtolookforthelakeindarkness.Anhourlater,shewastootired.Shelaydownonarock.第6頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第六頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Itwasafoggyday.Janeclimbeddowntherock.Sheheardthesoundofthestream,soshewalkedtowardthewater.Shesuddenlyheardsomeone’svoice.Tohergreatjoy,itwasTom!Herushedtoherandhuggedhiswifefirmly.Theircrywhichwasfullof

happinessbrokethesilence

intheforest.Afterseveralminutes,whenthefogwassweptbythewind,Janefiguredouteverything:lastnightshewalkedhereaccidentally.Tomrecognizedherbytheyellowblouseinthemorning.Mostamazing,

itwasthecarthatJanesleptonratherthanarock!第7頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第七頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。樣卷2（18分）Butnomorehelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Janebecamemoreandmorenervous.Shethoughtshewouldbestarvetodeaththistime.Howshewishahelicoptercouldcome.Butitdidn’thappen.Shecontinuedtowalktofindanopenareasothathecouldflagheryellowblouse.However,itwastoodarktolookaroundclearly.SoJanemadeadecision.Shedidn’twanttogoonanymore.Shewassotiredandfindanareawhichwasfullofgrass.Shesleeptsoon.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Shewasveryhungryandthirsty.Sherememberedthestreamwhereshehadlooked.Shewalkedbackalongthepath.“IfIdidn’tquarrelwithTom,IfIstaywithTom,didn’twalkedaway.Wemusthaveagoodandromanticevening.”Janebegantocry,Whenshefelthopeless,ahelicoptercameagain.Tohergreatjoy,Tomstoodatfrontofheratadistance.Janewasshockedandrantowardshim.Theyhuggedeachothertightly.Tomsaid,“Iwon’tleaveyoualoneanymore.”Fortunately,Janewasfoundandtheycontinuedtheirexcitingjourney.第8頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第八頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。樣卷3.(15分)Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain，Janefeltsodisappointedandlone.Noonewasherebuther,andshehadnothingwithher.Butshedidn’tlikebefore,shehadrealizedthatTomwasthinkingideatohelpher.Sosheshouldkeepherselfsafetytowaitforhelp.Inaddition,shemadeaplanthatsheshouldreachthelakeonthemorning.Becausethelakewasthecomplyplace.Thenshefellintoasleep.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Janealreadyhadherplansosheneeddoit.Afterseveralhoursshereachedthelakeandheardthehelicopteragain.Shefeltexcitedandshookedheryellowblousetomakeothersseeher.FinallyshesawTomandrushedtohimandgavehimabighug.Shasaidincry,“Ishouldn’tannoyyou.Ishouldn’twalkawaybymyself.I’mwrongandIreallyloveyou.”Tomforgaveherandfinallytheylivedinabetterrelationshipthanbefore.第9頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第九頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。樣卷4（13分）Butnomorehelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Janewasverydisappointed,butshedidn’tgiveup.Shestillkeptwalking,andtriedherbesttofindthelake,shewasscreamedwhenhewalkedontheroad.Intheend,becauseshewastootiredthatshestoppedtoscream.Sheclimbedahighplaceandfallasleepquickly.ButTom’sfacecrowdedinhermindbeforesheclosedhereyes.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Tohersurprised,shefoundTomwasalongsideher!SheaskedTomwhyshewasinthere.Tomsaidhecalledthepolcetohelphim,andtheydrivedthehelicopterthefoundherlaidinahighplace.Janewassomoved,thenshetoldTomhowmuchshelovedhim,andpromisedshewillneverdoitagain!Tomwasveryhappyandtheyneverhavesomequarrels.第10頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)?？忌魑?.(23-24)

Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Janewassad.Shesatbythestream,restingherachingfeet.IfIhadn’tquarreledwithTom,Iwouldn’thavetobehere.Janethoughtregretfully,withtearswellingupinhereyes.ShewantedtosaysorrytoTomforlosinghertemper.However,theonlythingshecoulddowasliebythestreamandwaitforhelp.ItwasgettinglateandJanefellasleep.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Shestooduptofindsomethingtoeat.Shewalkedandwalkeduntilshecametoanopenareawherewaterandberrieswereavailable.Suddenly,sheheardahelicopter.Shetookoffheryellowblouseandbeganshakingitwidely,hopingsomeonecouldseeher.Sheshoutedout“Tom”.Thehelicoptersloweddownandlandedontheground.Withthedooropen,Tomranout.SeeingJane,hewassoexcitedandcouldn’tcontainhisjoy.HehuggedJanetightly.“Tom,Iwon’tlosemytemperagain.Iwanttostaywithyouforever.”Janesaidintears.第11頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十一頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。2.(23分)Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Feelingscaredandhelpless,Janesatbesideatreeandheldhershoulderinherarmstomakeherselfwarmer.Slowly,thesunhidhimselfbehindthemountains,anditwashardtoseeanything.Lookingthroughthethickdarkness,JaneseemedtoseeTom’ssmilingface.ShesaidtohimselfforthousandstimesthatshewouldnotleaveTomagain.Withamindtofindhim,Janestartedtolookforthelakeindarkness.Anhourlater,shewastootired,soshelaydownonarock.第12頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十二頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。3.(20分)Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Janewastootiredtowalk.Thenshesatonastone,drinkingandeatingafewberries.Althougitwasdark,shecouldalsoseethestream.Sheshouted,“Tom,I’mwaitingforyouhere,Iloveyou!”Andshebelievedthatherfamilywillcomesoonwhenshewakeuptomorrow.Eventually,shesleptquietlyandsmiled.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Fortunately,itseemedthattherewasahelicoptercomingatadistance.Shestoodupandwalkedtowardsthesound.Shefollowedthesoundandshouted;“Helpme!I’mhere!”.Whileclimbingtoanopenarea,shewatchedahelicopter,shewavedheryellowblouseandshouted,“Hey,pleasehelpme,stop!stop!.Tohergreatjoy,thehelicopterstopped.Afewminuteslater,sheheardthattherearemanypeoplewalkingtoher,Eventually,Tomrantoherquicklyandhuggedher“Jane,I’mcoming!”Theysmiledwiththetearrunningout.第13頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十三頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。4.(15分)Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain，Janefeltsodisappointedandlone.Noonewasherebuther,andshehadnothingwithher.Butshedidn’tlikebefore,shehadrealizedthatTomwasthinkingideatohelpher.Sosheshouldkeepherselfsafetytowaitforhelp.Inaddition,shemadeaplanthatsheshouldreachthelakeonthemorning.Becausethelakewasthecomplyplace.Thenshefellintoasleep.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Janealreadyhadherplansosheneeddoit.Afterseveralhoursshereachedthelakeandheardthehelicopteragain.Shefeltexcitedandshookedheryellowblousetomakeothersseeher.FinallyshesawTomandrushedtohimandgavehimabighug.Shasaidincry,“Ishouldn’tannoyyou.Ishouldn’twalkawaybymyself.I’mwrongandIreallyloveyou.”Tomforgaveherandfinallytheylivedinabetterrelationshipthanbefore.第14頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十四頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。5.(12分)Butnohelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain，Janestartedshouting,Butshewastiredverymuch.Shedidn’thavepowertoshoutrightaway.Shestartedclimbingthesmallmountainafterresting.Sheheardahelicopteragain.Sheresponded.Andthen,Janeheardsomethingtoher.RightawayTomwasrunningtoher.Janestartedcrying,Butshewastootoyedtospeak.Tomtookherwifetohome.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Janecried,said.“Iamsorry,Tom.Imissyou.IwanttotellyouhowmuchIloveyou.Iamgrateful,Thanksforyoucanfingme.Younevergiveupme.Ishouldn’twalkawayalone.”Finally,theykissed.第15頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十五頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)。(考生作文)（1）Butnomorehelicopterscameanditwasgettingdarkagain.Consumedbyregret,Janestoodhopelessly,startingtoblameherself.“HowcouldIbesoirresponsibletoleaveTomandwalk

awayirrationally?”Janemurmured.Tearsblurredhereyesastheunspeakableanguishwrungherheart.However,allofasudden,Tom’shandsomefacepoppedintohermind,whichremindedJaneofthesignificanceoflife.Howeverharshthepresentwas,therewasalwaysagleamofhope!Onsoberreflection,Janedeterminedtostrugglealiving.Shecamebacktothestream,dranksomewater,andwenttosleeptosaveherenergy.ItwasdaybreakwhenJanewokeup.Tohergreatjoy,sheheardahelicopteragain!Sherushedtoanopenarea,wavingheryellowblousefrantically.Fortunately,thehelicopterseemedtonoticeherexistenceandflewdownwards,whichblewawaythegloomycloudshoveringoverherhead.Janejumpedwildlyintotheairofexcitement,waitingforthehelicoptertorescueher.Surprisingly,afewminuteslater,Tomgotoutofthehelicopter.HisfacecrackedintosmileashesawJanestandingthere,safeandsound.Theyhuggedtightlywithtearsstreamingdowntheircheeks.Thentheygotonthehelicoptertogether,headingtothelakewhichtheywerelongingfor.Sittingontheseat,Janefeltunprecedentedcosiness.LookingatTom’stwinklingeyes,shepromisedtoherselfthatshewouldneverleavehimagain.(242words)第16頁(yè)/共19頁(yè)第十六頁(yè)，共20頁(yè)?？忌牡湫湾e(cuò)誤：用否定造句，中式化，詞性用錯(cuò)：Idon’tfamiliarwithCanada.IfyourfamilyhavespecialcultureIshouldknow.ItisthefirsttimethatIgotoCanada.Iwouldappreciatedthat/IfeelappreciatedifIwillarrivedthereaexchangestudentIlook