兒童英文小笑話.doc

.Dont bother me 別煩我One day a kind man met a panicky little boy in his neighbor-hood when he was going home from his office.He noticed that the boy seemed to have fought with other boys. He kindly said: Why do you have a black eye, little man? I am sorry to see that?Unexpectedly the boy replied angrily: Dont bother me. You go home to feel sorry for your own little boy-he has got two!有一天一個(gè)好心的人下班回家時(shí)，在他居住的小區(qū)里碰到一個(gè)神色慌張的小男孩。他注意到這個(gè)孩子像是剛和別的孩子打過(guò)架，就親切的對(duì)他說(shuō)：“小家伙，你怎么會(huì)有個(gè)黑眼眶呀？看到你這樣，我很為你難過(guò)？”不料這個(gè)小男孩竟然氣沖沖地回答說(shuō)：“別煩我。你回家去為你自己的小男孩難過(guò)吧。他有兩個(gè)黑眼眶?！盢aive reasoning 天真的推理A man was telling a story to his son, a four-year-old boy. The boy noticed a lock of gray hair on his fathers head and asked: Why are some of your gray, papa?Papa will get a gray hair every time his little boy is naughty, said his father, thinking to take the advantage of this opportunity to give him a moral lesson.The boy thought for a moment, and then naively said: Oh, I see why my grandpapa has a lot of gray hair on his head. I think he must have had very naughty boys.有個(gè)人給他的兒子，一個(gè)4歲的男孩講故事。小男孩注意到他父親的頭上有一縷白發(fā)，就問(wèn)道：“爸爸，你的頭發(fā)怎么是白的？”他的父親想趁機(jī)給他上一堂教育課，就回答說(shuō)：“爸爸的小男孩每頑皮一次，爸爸頭上就會(huì)長(zhǎng)出一根白頭發(fā)。”小男孩沉思了一下，就天真地說(shuō)：“哦，我知道爺爺為什么有那么多白頭發(fā)了。我想他的兒子們一定也非常頑皮。”Can you eat any more 你還能吃嗎In Chemistry class, the teacher was explaining the relationship between solvent and solute: A certain solvent can only dissolve a certain solute. For example, you have eaten a bowl of rice, then one more bowl. After having eaten the third bowl, you have felt full to the throat. At this time, can you eat any more?One of the students asked: Is there any dish?化學(xué)課上老師講解溶劑與溶質(zhì)的關(guān)系：“一定的溶劑只能溶解一定的溶質(zhì)。比如說(shuō)，你吃了一碗飯，又吃了一碗，第三碗吃下去已經(jīng)飽了，你還能吃下去嗎？”有個(gè)學(xué)生問(wèn)：“還有菜嗎？”A garbage collector 垃圾收集工John was ten years old, and he was a very lazy boy.He had to go to school of course, but he was bored there and tried to do as little work as possible. His father and mother were both doctors and they hoped that he would become one, too, when he grew up, but one day Lohn said to his mother, When I finish school, I want to become a garbage collector.A garbage collector? his mother asked. She was very surprised. Thats not a very pleasant job. Why do you want to become a garbage collector?Because then Id only have to work one day a week, Lohn answered.Only one day a week? his mother said. What do you mean?Well, John answered, I know that the ones who come to our house only work on Wednesday, because I only see them on that day.約翰10歲了，是一個(gè)非常懶的男孩子。當(dāng)然他必須去上學(xué)，但他厭煩學(xué)校，并盡可能地少做功課。他父母親兩人都是醫(yī)生，他們兩人都希望當(dāng)他長(zhǎng)大后也當(dāng)個(gè)醫(yī)生，但有一天，約翰對(duì)他母親說(shuō)，“我上完學(xué)，我想當(dāng)個(gè)垃圾收集工。”“垃圾收集工？” 他母親問(wèn)道。他母親非常吃驚。“那可不是一件令人愉快的工作。你為什么想當(dāng)一個(gè)垃圾收集工呢？”“因?yàn)榈綍r(shí)候我只需一周工作一天，” 約翰回答說(shuō)。“一周只工作一天？” 他母親說(shuō)?！澳闶鞘裁匆馑迹俊薄班?，” 約翰回答說(shuō)，“我知道來(lái)我們家的那些人只在星期三上班，因?yàn)槲抑辉谛瞧谌匆?jiàn)他們?！崩鲜笫鞘裁礃幼拥腞odents had overrun a posh（時(shí)髦的） private school near New York City. So the headmaster, a friend of mine, asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e. stow（裝載，收藏） trash, no food in class, etc.The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote, Dear Mr. Johnson, Thank you for coming to my school. Until I saw you, I didnt know what a rat looked like.嚙齒類(lèi)動(dòng)物在紐約市附近的一家時(shí)尚的私立學(xué)校泛濫成災(zāi)。 那家學(xué)校的校長(zhǎng)（我的一個(gè)朋友） 請(qǐng)來(lái)了一位健康檢查員來(lái)給在校師生作一次幻燈演示，告訴他們?nèi)绾翁幚磉@種情況，如，要垃圾裝好，上課不能吃東西等等。第二天，一個(gè)老師讓她的那些年紀(jì)還非常小的學(xué)生給那位檢查員寫(xiě)封信，感謝他的來(lái)訪。 其中一個(gè)學(xué)生這樣寫(xiě)道，“親愛(ài)的約翰遜先生， 感謝您來(lái)到我的學(xué)校。在看到你之前，我還不知道老鼠長(zhǎng)的什么樣子。”。The teachers pest 老師的調(diào)皮學(xué)生It is June. The sun is in the sky, it is immense hot.Josie is bored with school. She prefers to be at the beach with the tide.She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking.While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to one of her intimate friends. The teacher, Mr. Rolla, hears the noise and says. Josie, sit down and be quiet. Josie sits down. Mr. Rolla continues with the lessons. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. Sit down and be quiet. Says Mr. Rolla. He is very annoyed with her. Josie continues talking.O.K. Mr. Rolla gets furious. If you want to talk. Then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher.All right, agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, Quiet, everyone. I am a new teacher, and I say class dismissed.六月，太陽(yáng)高掛天空，天氣非常炎熱。朱絲對(duì)上課很厭煩，她更想在海灘觀看潮起潮落。她在座位上坐不住，不停地講話。當(dāng)老師在黑板上寫(xiě)字時(shí)，朱絲站起來(lái)和一個(gè)朋友說(shuō)話，瑞拉老師聽(tīng)到了，就說(shuō)：“朱絲，坐下，安靜點(diǎn)。”朱絲坐下來(lái)，老師繼續(xù)講課，朱絲又站起來(lái)和另一個(gè)朋友說(shuō)話。“坐下，安靜點(diǎn)?！笨墒侵旖z又站起來(lái)說(shuō)話，他生氣了?！叭绻阆胝f(shuō)話，到教師前面來(lái)說(shuō)話吧，你當(dāng)老師吧?！崩蠋煈嵟卣f(shuō)?！昂玫模敝旖z說(shuō)。她走到教室前說(shuō)：“安靜點(diǎn)，同學(xué)們，我是新老師，現(xiàn)在下課。”我在等我的秘書(shū)One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition - if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boys answer.一天課上，老師要同學(xué)們以“如果我是一個(gè)經(jīng)理”為題寫(xiě)一篇作文。所有的學(xué)生都在動(dòng)筆寫(xiě)了，只有一個(gè)男生例外。老師走過(guò)去問(wèn)他為什么不寫(xiě)?！拔以诘任业拿貢?shū)”。那孩子答道。爸爸不高興It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. Hey Willis! the farmer yelled, Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then Ill help you get the wagon up. Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to. Aw, come on, the farmer insisted. Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, but Pa wont like it. After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. Dont be foolish, the neighbor said with a smile, by the way, where is he? Under the wagon.一個(gè)農(nóng)家小孩好像意外打翻了一車(chē)玉米，住在附近的一個(gè)農(nóng)夫聽(tīng)見(jiàn)了，喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。過(guò)來(lái)和我們呆會(huì)兒，一會(huì)兒我?guī)湍惴銎饋?lái)。”“太好了”，威利斯答道，“但是爸爸會(huì)不高興的?！薄鞍パ?，快來(lái)吧”，農(nóng)夫仍然在堅(jiān)持。“好吧”，小男孩終于點(diǎn)頭答應(yīng)了，“但是爸爸真的會(huì)不高興?！币活D豐盛的晚餐之后，威利斯向農(nóng)夫表示感謝：“我覺(jué)得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高興?！薄皠e傻了”，農(nóng)夫笑著說(shuō)，“哦，對(duì)了，你爸爸在哪了？”“車(chē)底下?！盜 you shePeter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: I, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teacher said, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student.When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student. His father got angry and said, I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words by heart. Yes, he said proudly, I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.彼得是個(gè)聰明的孩子。在學(xué)校的第一天，他學(xué)了三個(gè)詞：我，你，她。老師教他如何用這三個(gè)詞造句子。老師說(shuō)：我，我是你的老師；（然后指著一個(gè)女孩）她，她是你的同學(xué)；你，你是我的學(xué)生。彼得回到家里，爸爸問(wèn)他學(xué)了什么。彼得馬上說(shuō)：我，我是你的老師；（然后指著他的媽媽?zhuān)┧?，她是你的同學(xué)；你，你是我的學(xué)生。他的爸爸聽(tīng)了非常生氣，說(shuō)：我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著他的妻子）她，她是你的媽媽?zhuān)荒?，你是我的兒子。第二天，老師?wèn)彼得是否用心學(xué)那三個(gè)詞了。是的，彼得自豪地說(shuō)，我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著一個(gè)女孩）她，她是你的媽媽?zhuān)荒?，你是我的兒子。CryTom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake. He is crying because I wont give him any.But has he finished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？ 媽媽在廚房里問(wèn)。他在哭。沒(méi)事兒，媽媽?zhuān)?湯姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因?yàn)槲也唤o他吃。他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？是的。 我?guī)退酝陼r(shí)，他也哭了。The kitchen is so dark 廚房里太黑了After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not? After a while, her son returned and said, Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all.晚飯后，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時(shí)母親忽然想起點(diǎn)兒事來(lái)，便對(duì)正在看電視的兒子說(shuō)道：“寶貝，去看看廚房里的燈是不是還開(kāi)著呢？” 過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，兒子回來(lái)說(shuō)：“媽?zhuān)瑥N房里太黑了，我根本就看不見(jiàn)。”He Won 他贏了Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰(shuí)能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。 Nest and Hair 鳥(niǎo)窩與頭發(fā)My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.What kind of bird? my sister asked.I didnt see the bird, maam, only the nest, replied the child.Then, can you give us a description of the nest? my sister encouraged her.Well, maam, it just resembles your hair.我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個(gè)學(xué)生告訴她說(shuō)一只鳥(niǎo)兒在教室外 的樹(shù)上壘了個(gè)窩?！笆鞘裁带B(niǎo)呢？”我姐姐問(wèn)她。“我沒(méi)看到鳥(niǎo)兒，老師，只看到鳥(niǎo)窩。”那孩子回答說(shuō)?！澳敲?，你能給我們描述一下這個(gè)鳥(niǎo)巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵(lì)她道。“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣?！盡icro-parents forum 微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)Son: Dad, are you available on Friday afternoon?Dad: What ah?Son: The school want parents to have a mini-parents forum!Dad: What is micro-parents forum?Son: Its only a class teacher, you and I participate in!兒子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎？”爸爸：“什么事?。俊眱鹤樱骸皩W(xué)校要開(kāi)微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)！”爸爸：“什么叫微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)？”兒子：“就是只有班主任，你和我參加！”媽媽在砸瓶子A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup（番茄醬） to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, Mommy cant come to the phone right now. Shes hitting the bottle.一個(gè)婦人正在使勁打開(kāi)番茄醬的瓶子。這時(shí)，電話鈴響了，她叫四歲的女兒去接電話。小孩說(shuō)：“媽媽現(xiàn)在不能接電話，她在砸瓶子。”A letter to God 寫(xiě)給上帝的信A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.有個(gè)小男孩非常需要50美元，他為此禱告了數(shù)周但是什么也沒(méi)發(fā)生。后來(lái)，他決定寫(xiě)封信向上帝索要這50美元。郵局接到這封信，想了想覺(jué)得還是應(yīng)該交給總統(tǒng)比較好?？偨y(tǒng)被逗笑了，于是指示秘書(shū)寄給小男孩5美元，因?yàn)樗X(jué)得5美元對(duì)于一個(gè)小孩來(lái)講已經(jīng)是不少了。小男孩收到了錢(qián)很高興，給上帝回了一封感謝信，信里寫(xiě)道：尊敬的上帝，非常感謝你把錢(qián)寄給我。然而，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這些錢(qián)是通過(guò)白宮寄出的，因此，和往常一樣，那幫家伙收了我45美元的稅。Saving Money 省錢(qián)A man told his son to take a letter to the post office, buy a three-cent stamp and mail it.After a while his son returned. The man asked him, Did you mail the letter?His son replied, Certainly, and I have saved the three cents. I saw many people dropping letters in a box, so when nobody was looking, I dropped mine in too.有個(gè)人叫他的兒子拿一封信到郵局去買(mǎi)一張三分錢(qián)的郵票把它寄出去。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒他的兒子回來(lái)了，他問(wèn)兒子：“信寄了嗎？”兒子回答說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然寄了，我還省了三分錢(qián)哩。我看到很多人把信投進(jìn)了一個(gè)箱子，我就趁沒(méi)人的時(shí)候把我的也投進(jìn)去了?！盨tupid Orders 愚蠢的命令When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddins donkey began to slip, so his father said, That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under water. Of course, the flour was lost.What have you done, Nasreddin, his father shouted angrily. Well, father, said Nasreddin. This time I thought that I would do just what you told me to show you how stupid your orders always are.當(dāng)納斯雷金還是個(gè)孩子時(shí)，從來(lái)不按照別人所說(shuō)的去做。所以他爸爸想要他去做某事時(shí)，常叫他做相反的事。一天，父子倆用毛驢馱著幾袋面粉往家走，路上必須經(jīng)過(guò)一條不深的小河。父子倆走到河中心時(shí)，納斯雷金牽的那頭毛驢上有一袋面粉開(kāi)始往下滑了。他爸爸說(shuō)：“那個(gè)袋子快掉進(jìn)水里了，使勁往下按！”他爸爸當(dāng)然是希望他象以往一樣，干和他所說(shuō)的相反的事。可這次納斯雷金卻按照他爸爸所說(shuō)的去做了。他使勁一按，袋子沉進(jìn)水里了。當(dāng)然，這袋面也沒(méi)有了。他爸爸憤怒地喊道：“你干的什么事！” 納斯雷金說(shuō)：“嗯，爸爸，這次我想按你所要求的去做，好證明你以往的命令是多么的愚蠢?！盜 want a nightmare 真想做個(gè)噩夢(mèng)Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite. Mother replied.Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight, Tom said.在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：“媽媽?zhuān)易蛱焱砩献隽艘粋€(gè)夢(mèng)，夢(mèng)見(jiàn)我通過(guò)了今天的考試?！薄安灰嘈艍?mèng)，親愛(ài)的。據(jù)說(shuō)夢(mèng)中的經(jīng)歷通常與現(xiàn)實(shí)相反?！眿寢尨鸬??！澳敲矗艺嫦Ｍ诮裢淼膲?mèng)中，我的其他功課都不及格?！睖氛f(shuō)。When was Rome builtTeacher: When was Rome built?Tom: At night.Teacher: Who told you that?Tom: You did. You said Rome wasnt built in a day.Water your flowers every dayFlowers need water, said the teacher. Water your flowers every day, or theyll die.One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, What are you doing there, Marry?Watering flowers, said Marry.But it is raining now!Oh, it doesnt matter. Mum.“花需要水，” 老師說(shuō)，“每天給花澆水，否則他們會(huì)死掉的”。一天早上，母親看到瑪麗在花園，就問(wèn)：“瑪麗，你在干嗎？”“ 我在給花澆水?！爆旣惢卮??！翱墒窃谙掠臧?！”“哦，沒(méi)事媽媽?！盌ont argue with the childrenA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.The teacher asked, sarcastically, What if Jonah went to Hell?The little girl replied, Then you ask him.一個(gè)小女孩和她的老師在說(shuō)鯨魚(yú)。老師說(shuō)，鯨魚(yú)不可能吞了一個(gè)人，因?yàn)?，即使這是一個(gè)非常大的哺乳動(dòng)物，它的喉嚨是非常小。小女孩說(shuō)，約拿被一條鯨魚(yú)吞噬。老師惱火的重申鯨魚(yú)不能吞下一個(gè)人身體是不可能的。小女孩說(shuō)， 好吧，當(dāng)我到達(dá)天堂，我會(huì)問(wèn)約拿 。老師問(wèn)，反譏道： 什么，如果約拿到地獄呢 ？小女孩回答說(shuō)： 那你問(wèn)他 。A Rithmetic LessonA little boy bustled（喧鬧，忙亂） into a grocery one day with a memorandum（便箋） in his hand.Hello, Mr. Smith,He said, I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 33 cents.Very good, said the grocer, and he noted down the sale.Anything else, Charlie?Yes. Twentyseven pounds of sugar at 9 cents.The loaf? And whatelse?Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 30 cents.That will be a good brand. Goon.Five pounds of tea at 90 cents, eleven and a half quarts of molasses at 8 cents a pint, two eightpound hams at 31 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts（核桃） at 34 cents a jar.The grocer made out the bill.Its a big order, he said. Did your mother tell you to pay for it？My mother, said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill, has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic（算術(shù)） lesson and I had to get it done somehow.一天，一個(gè)小男孩匆匆忙忙地走進(jìn)了一家雜貨店，手里拿著一張清單?！笆访芩瓜壬愫茫彼f(shuō)道：“3毛3分錢(qián)一磅的咖啡，請(qǐng)給我13磅?！薄昂玫?，”雜貨店老板馬上把這筆生意記了下來(lái)。“還要?jiǎng)e的什么，查理？”“要的。再要27磅糖，9分錢(qián)一磅的?！薄懊姘灰窟€要什么？”“7磅半咸肉，3毛錢(qián)一磅的。”“這肉是名牌的呢，還有呢？”“9毛錢(qián)一磅的茶葉，給我5磅，8分錢(qián)一品脫的糖漿要11夸脫半，3毛1分錢(qián)一磅的8磅的大火腿要兩只，3毛4分錢(qián)一罐的腌核桃要5打?！彪s貨店老板把賬單算了出來(lái)?！澳阗I(mǎi)了很多東西，”他說(shuō)：“你媽媽叫你現(xiàn)在把錢(qián)付清嗎？”小男孩一面把那清楚準(zhǔn)確的賬單放進(jìn)口袋，一面說(shuō)：“這和我媽沒(méi)關(guān)系，這是我自己的算術(shù)作業(yè),我總得想辦法把它做出來(lái)！”Goes to the cinemaA boy goes to the cinema. He buys a ticket and goes in. But after two or three minutes he comes out. He buys a second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys a third ticket. Two or three minutes after that he comes out a third time and asks for another ticket. The ticket seller says to him, Why are you buying all these? Are you meeting friends in the cinema all the time? No, Im not doing that. The small man says, But a big woman always stops me at the door and tears m