讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)攢錢(qián)圓夢(mèng)家人逐句修改作文瞬間飆講義-高三英語(yǔ)上學(xué)期二輪復(fù)習(xí)專(zhuān)項(xiàng)

讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)攢錢(qián)圓夢(mèng)家人逐句修改作文瞬間飆(遼寧省名校聯(lián)盟東北三省三校2024年高三9月聯(lián)考作文)在寫(xiě)作中，像“家庭貧困、孩子想給媽媽買(mǎi)生日禮物、攢錢(qián)實(shí)現(xiàn)愿望”這樣的主題經(jīng)常被考查。這類(lèi)題材通過(guò)親情的描寫(xiě)，能夠深入打動(dòng)讀者，展現(xiàn)孩子為了親人夢(mèng)想不懈努力的感人過(guò)程。而在續(xù)寫(xiě)中，攢錢(qián)實(shí)現(xiàn)父母夢(mèng)想的故事同樣貼近這個(gè)主題。通過(guò)孩子默默積攢零花錢(qián)，最終幫助父母實(shí)現(xiàn)一個(gè)長(zhǎng)期未能完成的愿望。原題在線遼寧省名校聯(lián)盟東北三省三校2024年高三9月份聯(lián)合考試英語(yǔ)【攢錢(qián)坐游輪】閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)續(xù)寫(xiě)兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。Myfatherwassixtyfive.Thoughhehadplannedonretiringatsixty,hewasstillworkinghard.Forhim,raisingfourchildren—especiallynowthatmymotherhadstoppedworkingandwasathomefulltime—meanthecouldn’taffordtoretire.Italsomeanthefailedtoachieveanythinghepromisedmymom.“Sweetheart,”he’dsay,“I’mgoingtotakeyouonacruise(乘船游覽).”Hestilltoldherthat,andonlythesedaysheadded,“assoonasthekidsareoutofcollege.”Iknewthatputtingallofuskidsthroughcollegeprobablymeantitwasgoingtobeawhilebeforemyfatherachievedhisdreamofgoingawaywithmymotheronacruise—thoughitdidn’tstophimfromcuttingoutadsaboutcruisevacations!Itwascute,butitwaskindofsad,too.IremembermygrandmotheralwayswantedtogotoNovaScotia.Mygrandfatherwouldalwayssay,“We’llgonextyear,sweetheart.”Thenshedied.MygrandmothernevergottoseeNovaScotia.Ijustdidn’twantmyparentstowaituntilitwastoolate.Idecidedtosaveupmymoneytosendmyparentsonacruiseevenifitwasashortthreedaycruise.Myfriendssaidtome,“Getreal!Savingupforacruiseissomethingyouwillneverbeabletodo.”ButIdidn’tbelievethat.ItwasnotlikeIcouldsendthemaroundtheworldoranything,butIdidn’tthinkmyputtingtogetherthemoneyforashorttripwasanimpossiblegoal.Iwasdeterminedthatjustasmyparentshadmademydreamsetrueforalltheseyearsfrommyfirstbicycletomyfirstsoccercamp—IwasgoingtodoallIcouldtomaketheirdreamofgoingonacruiseetrue.注意：1.續(xù)寫(xiě)詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；2.請(qǐng)按如下格式在答題卡的相應(yīng)位置作答。Istarteddoingoddjobs(零工)andyardworkaroundtheneighborhood._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!________________________________________________________________________________________________________________情節(jié)概要打工攢錢(qián)本文講述了作者的父親雖然計(jì)劃在60歲退休，但由于要撫養(yǎng)四個(gè)孩子以及母親不再工作，他不得不繼續(xù)工作，無(wú)法實(shí)現(xiàn)帶母親去乘船游覽的承諾。作者不希望父母像祖父母那樣錯(cuò)失夢(mèng)想，于是決定自己攢錢(qián)給父母實(shí)現(xiàn)這個(gè)愿望。盡管朋友們質(zhì)疑作者的計(jì)劃，但作者堅(jiān)持努力，希望以此回報(bào)父母多年來(lái)為自己實(shí)現(xiàn)夢(mèng)想所付出的辛勞。寫(xiě)作升級(jí)1一檔習(xí)作Istarteddoingoddjobsandyardworkaroundtheneighborhood.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.“Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.“You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.2逐句改寫(xiě)這段文字表現(xiàn)良好，如果滿分是25分，這段文字大概至少能得到22分，具體得分還取決于評(píng)閱者的個(gè)人標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。同時(shí)，我們還可以通過(guò)一些小的修改來(lái)提升整體的效果。好，我們接下來(lái)逐句解析該文，看看每一句是如何精巧構(gòu)思的，并且可以怎樣寫(xiě)得更好。第一段：1.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.賞析：這一句具體描述了主角的工作內(nèi)容，給讀者一個(gè)直觀的感受。通過(guò)列舉不同的工作內(nèi)容，表現(xiàn)了主人公為實(shí)現(xiàn)目標(biāo)所做的多樣努力。如何改寫(xiě)：可以增加細(xì)節(jié)和感情。比如：Eachweekend,I'dwakeupearlytomowlawns,walkrestlessdogs,andbabysitnoisychildren,nomatterhowtiredIfelt.這樣更強(qiáng)調(diào)了主角在追求目標(biāo)過(guò)程中的毅力。如果不受首句提示句限制，前兩句可以整合為：IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.這樣不僅增加了任務(wù)的多樣性，也強(qiáng)化了目標(biāo)的明確性。2.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.賞析：這里是情感的升華，主角通過(guò)父親的形象化描寫(xiě)，展現(xiàn)了他為父母努力的動(dòng)力。用“tiredeyes”和“gentlesmile”將父親的形象立體化，增強(qiáng)了共情感。如何改寫(xiě)：可以讓父親的情感傳達(dá)得更深刻些：Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.這樣更能突出父親長(zhǎng)久以來(lái)的期待與溫暖。3.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.賞析：這一句從故事的內(nèi)在邏輯上升到了情感的頂點(diǎn)，表達(dá)了感恩和回報(bào)的主題。通過(guò)父母長(zhǎng)期給予的無(wú)私愛(ài)，反襯了主角的感激之情。如何改寫(xiě)：可以通過(guò)更具象的方式表達(dá)這種感激：Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.這樣的話語(yǔ)能更鮮明地傳遞出父母多年來(lái)的犧牲。4.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.賞析：簡(jiǎn)短的一句點(diǎn)明了儲(chǔ)蓄過(guò)程，表達(dá)了時(shí)間的流逝和逐漸積累的成就感。如何改寫(xiě)：可以加入更多心理描寫(xiě)：EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.這樣不僅描寫(xiě)了存錢(qián)，還表現(xiàn)了主角內(nèi)心的興奮和期待。5.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.賞析：這一句既展示了外界的質(zhì)疑，也強(qiáng)調(diào)了主人公堅(jiān)定的信念。通過(guò)對(duì)比，凸顯了主角的堅(jiān)持。如何改寫(xiě)：可以更深入表現(xiàn)外界的壓力：Despitemyfriends'constantdoubts,Iheldon,knowingthatthiswasmywayofsayingthankyouforallthesacrificesmyparentshadmadeforme.這樣將質(zhì)疑的語(yǔ)氣和主角的信念都表現(xiàn)得更細(xì)致。當(dāng)然，如果字?jǐn)?shù)過(guò)多，該句完全可以刪去不寫(xiě)，對(duì)全文無(wú)影響。第二段：1.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!"賞析：這句話是整個(gè)故事的轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)，經(jīng)過(guò)長(zhǎng)期的努力，終于到達(dá)了目標(biāo)。如果不是給的提示句，可以這么寫(xiě)：Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.通過(guò)情感描述，讓成功感更強(qiáng)烈。2.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.賞析：具體的動(dòng)作“holdingthecruisetickets”讓讀者仿佛看到了那一瞬間的場(chǎng)景?！皉ushofexcitement”表達(dá)了主角內(nèi)心的激動(dòng)。如何改寫(xiě)：可以用比喻或細(xì)節(jié)描寫(xiě)加強(qiáng)情緒的傳遞：Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.這樣通過(guò)比喻增強(qiáng)了緊張與激動(dòng)的感受。3.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.賞析：這句直接推動(dòng)了故事的高潮。通過(guò)描述遞出船票的動(dòng)作，引出接下來(lái)的感人場(chǎng)景。如何改寫(xiě)：可以增加遞出船票的細(xì)節(jié)：Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.這樣讓遞出船票的瞬間更富有戲劇性。4.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.賞析：父母的反應(yīng)非常直接，通過(guò)眼睛的描寫(xiě)抓住了他們的驚訝與感動(dòng)。如何改寫(xiě)：可以將父母的情感表達(dá)得更豐富些：Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock.增加了母親動(dòng)作的細(xì)節(jié)，讓情感更生動(dòng)。5."Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.賞析：對(duì)話中，父親的trembling聲音顯示了他的感動(dòng)。通過(guò)簡(jiǎn)單的描述，突出了感情。如何改寫(xiě)：可以更進(jìn)一步描寫(xiě)父親的心情："Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.這樣讓父親的感動(dòng)顯得更為深沉。6.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.賞析：簡(jiǎn)短的一句話，通過(guò)“tearswellingup”描述了主角內(nèi)心的激動(dòng)與感動(dòng)，情緒表達(dá)自然。如何改寫(xiě)：可以延續(xù)這一情感：Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision.讓淚水與情緒的波動(dòng)更加明顯。7."You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”賞析：這是故事的核心情感表達(dá)，孩子向父母表達(dá)了感恩。通過(guò)對(duì)話的溫柔語(yǔ)氣，充分展示了家庭之間的愛(ài)。如何改寫(xiě)：可以加入更多回憶的元素："You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed."通過(guò)回顧父母的付出，情感的表達(dá)會(huì)更豐富。8.Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.賞析：結(jié)尾非常感人，通過(guò)“huggedtightly”表現(xiàn)了親情的溫暖，父親終于得到了他應(yīng)得的放松。如何改寫(xiě)：可以更細(xì)致地描寫(xiě)父親的變化：Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.這樣讓父親的放松更形象，表現(xiàn)了長(zhǎng)期壓在他身上的責(zé)任感。3改寫(xiě)后修改后的滿分習(xí)作如下（第二段確實(shí)有點(diǎn)長(zhǎng)了，但實(shí)在舍不得刪了，權(quán)當(dāng)語(yǔ)料給大家積累了）IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock."Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision."You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed.Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.參考譯文：我全身心投入到每一個(gè)我能找到的零工中，從清理車(chē)庫(kù)到修剪草坪，一切只為了一個(gè)目標(biāo)：送給父母他們一直夢(mèng)想的郵輪之旅。每當(dāng)我筋疲力盡時(shí)，腦海中浮現(xiàn)出父親那疲憊的雙眼和他談起郵輪時(shí)含著希望的微笑，這讓我堅(jiān)持了下來(lái)。多年里，他們?yōu)榱宋曳艞壛俗约旱膲?mèng)想，而這一次，終于輪到我回報(bào)他們了。每次存進(jìn)幾美元，我都會(huì)帶著一絲自豪和期待，看著賬戶余額一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)增長(zhǎng)。經(jīng)過(guò)一整年的努力，我終于攢夠了錢(qián)！這個(gè)事實(shí)讓我心中充滿了喜悅與難以置信的感覺(jué)。盯著手中的郵輪票，我仿佛置身夢(mèng)境，胸腔中涌動(dòng)的激動(dòng)感讓我的心跳加速。那天晚餐時(shí)，我顫抖著雙手，將票輕輕推到父母面前。父親瞪大了眼睛，滿臉驚訝，而母親發(fā)出一聲低低的驚呼，手捂住了嘴巴，震驚不已?！斑@是真的嗎？”父親輕聲問(wèn)道，聲音因?yàn)榧?dòng)而微微顫抖。我點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，眼淚幾乎模糊了視線。“你們?yōu)槲覀儾賱诹艘惠呑?，”我哽咽著說(shuō)，“現(xiàn)在該輪到你們休息，享受你們一直以來(lái)的夢(mèng)想了。”他們緊緊地抱住了我，多年來(lái)父親臉上的憂慮仿佛在那一刻消散了，仿佛他肩上的重?fù)?dān)終于卸下。單句翻譯（教師檢測(cè)版）單句翻譯，可供課堂教學(xué)用。1.每當(dāng)我筋疲力盡時(shí)，腦海中浮現(xiàn)出父親那疲憊的雙眼和他談起郵輪時(shí)含著希望的微笑，這讓我堅(jiān)持了下來(lái)。_____