四種常見問題句的修改

WritingLecture2Revising&EditingRevising&Editing“Thereisnosuchthingasgoodwriting,butonlygoodrewriting…Rewrite,rewrite,andrewriteagain”---DingYanren

（丁言仁）Revisingmeansrewritinganessay,buildingonwhathasalreadybeendone,tomakeitstronger.

Herearesomequickhintsthatcanhelpmakerevisioneasier:First,setyourfirstdraftasideforawhile.Afewhourswilldo,butadayortwowouldbebetter.Youthencomebacktothedraftwithafresh,moreobjectivepointofview.Second,workfromtypedorprintedtext.Youwillbeabletoseetheessaymoreimpartiallyinthiswaythanifyouwerejustlookingatyourownfamiliarhandwriting.Next,readyourdraftaloud.Hearinghowyourwritingsoundswillhelpyoupickupproblemswithmeaningaswellasstyle.Finally,asyoudoallthesethings,addyourthoughtsandchangesabovethelinesorinthemarginsofyouressay.Yourwrittencommentscanserveaguidewhenyouworkonthenextdraft.ThreestagestotherevisingprocessStep1RevisingcontentStep2RevisingsentencesStep3Editing

1.RevisingContentTorevisethecontentofyouressay,askyourselfthesequestions:1.Ismyessayunified?(1)DoIhaveathesisthatisclearlystatedorimpliedintheintroductoryparagraphofmyessay?(2)Doallmysupportingparagraphstrulysupportandbackupmythesis?2.Ismyessaysupported?(1)Doesthebodycontributetothethesis,i.e.helpconvincethereaderthatthethesisiscorrect?(2)Doeseachparagraphserveaclearfunctionandhaveatopicidea?Canreaderseasilyfindthetopicideas?1.RevisingContent2.Ismyessaysupported?(3)DoIhaveenoughexamples,detailsorreasonsthatsupportthetopicideas?Arethereunsupportedideasinthedraft?Aretherepoorexamples,detailsorreasonsthatshouldbedropped?AretherebetteronesthatIcansubstituteoradd?1.RevisingContent2.Ismyessaysupported?

(4)Arethereparagraphsorideasareirrelevant?Ontheotherhand,haveIleftoutanystepsorpoints?1.RevisingContent

3.Ismyessayorganized?

(1)DoIhaveanaccurate

title,aninterestingintroduction,andasolidconclusion?(2)DoIhaveaclearmethodoforganizingmyessay?Time/space/logic(3)DoIusetransitionsandotherconnectingwords?1.RevisingContent2.RevisingSentencesTorevisesentencesofyouressay,askyourselfthesequestions:1.DoIuseparallelismtobalancemywordsandideas?2.DoIuseconcreteandspecificwords?3.DoIuseactiveverbs?--Teachersliketopreach:theactivevoiceisusuallymorecrisp,brief,andvigorousthanthepassivebecauseitplacesthedoerofanactioninaprominentplace.Butnoticethatactivevoicemaynotalwaysbeabetterchoice.Makeyourownjudgment.

2.RevisingSentences4.DoIusewordseffectivelybyavoidingslang,clichés,pretentiouslanguages,andwordiness?--Isthewritingtoowordy?HaveIdeleteallthewordsthatcanbedeleted?IfIhavetoshortentheessayby200words,whatpartwouldIcut?2.RevisingSentences5.DoIvarymysentences?

(1)DoesthedraftflowsmoothlywhenIreaditaloud?Dothesentencesholdtogether?Aretheytooshortortoolong?Aretheyalldeclarativesentences?Sinceusingavarietyofsentencelengthsandtypeswouldhelpavoidmonotony,haveIdoneso?2.RevisingSentences5.DoIvarymysentences?(2)Aretherewordsorexpressionsthathavebeenrepeatedlyused?Isitpossibletochangethemandsaythesamethingindifferentwords?Arethereexpressionstooformalortoocolloquialforthisparticularessay?2.RevisingSentences3.EditingAfteryouhaverevisedyouressayforcontentandstyle,yourarereadytoedit.Editingmeanscheckingforandcorrectingerrorsingrammar,punctuation,capitalization,sentencestructure,wrongusageandspelling.Revising:AStudentModel

Diane’sfirstdraft:ThetheaterofferstemptationintheformofsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetoworryaboutweightgain.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplywatchingwhatIkeepinthehouseandnotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithhealthysnacksbecausethereisnothinginthefreezer.(tobecontinued)

Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sfirstdraft:Goingtothetheaterislikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandthereareseatswhicharecomfortable.Itrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda.Thesmelloffreshpopcornsoonovercomesme.MyfriendsareasbadasIam.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintoyourhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeloutofsortswithmyself.Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Second,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Revising

:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintomyhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeldisgustedwithmyself.Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Second,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.LikemostofusIhavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Revising:AStudentModelDiane’sseconddraft:Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequipedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Choclatebarsseemtojumpintomyhands.Ieatenormousmouthfulsofmilkduds.BythetimeIleavethetheaterIfeeldisgustedwithmyself.Diane’srevisionservestomaketheparagraphmoreunified,bettersupported,andbetterorganized.Tonotethechanges,completetheactivitybelowbyfillinginthemissingwords:1.Toachievebetterorganization,Dianeaddsatthebeginningoftheparagraphthetransitionalphrase“_________”,makingitveryclearthathersecondsupportingideaistemptingsnacks.

second2.Dianealsoaddsthetransition“_________”toshowclearlythedifferencebetweenbeingathomeandbeinginthetheater.3.Toaddmoredetails,Dianechanges“healthysnacks”to“_____________________________”;shechanges“nothinginthefreezer”to“________________________”;sheadds“____________________”after“popcorn”.

however

snackslikeceleryandcarrotsticks

noicecreaminthefreezerdrippingwithbutter4.Intheinterestofeliminatingwordiness,Dianeremovesthewords“___________________________”fromthethirdsentence.5.Intheinterestofparallelism,Dianechanges“andthereareseatswhicharecomfortable”to“___________________”.

watchingwhatIkeepinthehousecomfortableseats6.Intheinterestofunity,Dianecrossesoutthesentence“___________________________”.Sherealizesthatthissentenceisnotarelevantdetailbutreallyanothertopic.

MyfriendsareasbadasIam.7.Tocreateaconsistentpointofview,Dianechanges“jumpintoyourhands”to“_________________”.8.Finally,Dianereplacesthevague“outofsorts”withmoreprecise“__________”.jumpintomyhanddisgustedEditing:astudentmodel

Aftermakingallthechangesinherseconddraft,Dianeprintedoutanothercleandraftoftheessay.Theparagraphontemptingsnacksrequiredalmostnomorerevision,soDianeturnedherattentionmostlytoeditingchanges,illustratedbelow:Diane’sthirddraftSecond,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.Likemostofus,Ihavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Editing:astudentmodel

Editing:astudentmodel

Diane’sthirddraftGoingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Chocolatebarswiththesizeofsmallmobilephonesseemtojumpintomyhands.IriskpullingputmyfillingsasIchewenormousmouthfulsofMilkDuds.BythetimeIleavethetheater,Ifeeldisgustedwithmyself.Editing:astudentmodel

Aftermakingallthechangesinherseconddraft,Dianeprintedoutanothercleandraftoftheessay.Theparagraphontemptingsnacksrequiredalmostnomorerevision,soDianeturnedherattentionmostlytoeditingchanges,illustratedbelow:Diane’sthirddraftSecond,thetheaterofferstemptingsnacksIreallydon’tneed.Likemostofus,Ihavetobattleanexpandingwaistline.AthomeIdoprettywellbysimplynotbuyingstuffthatisbadforme.Icanmakedowithsnackslikeceleryandcarrotsticksbecausethereisnoicecreaminthefreezer.(tobecontinued)Diane’sthirddraftGoingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.AsItrytopersuademyselftojusthaveadietsoda,thesmelloffreshpopcorndrippingwithbuttersoonovercomesme.Chocolatebarswiththesizeofsmallmobilephonesseemtojumpintomyhands.IriskpullingputmyfillingsasIchewenormousmouthfulsofMilkDuds.BythetimeIleavethetheater,Ifeeldisgustedwithmyself.Tonotethechanges,completetheactivitybelowbyfillinginthemissingwords.1.Aspartofherediting,Dianecheckedandcorrectedthe________oftwowords,“equipped”and“chocolate”.spelling2.Sheadded_______tosetofftwointroductoryphrases(“Likemostofus”inthesecondsentenceand“BythetimeIleavethetheater”inthefinalsentence.)3.Sherealizesthat“milkduds”isabrandnameandadded____________tomakeit“MilkDuds”commacapitalletter4.Andsincerevisioncanoccuratanystageofthewritingprocess,includingtheediting,shemadeoneofherdetailsmorevividbyaddingthedescriptivewords“_________________________”withthesizeofsmallmobilephones寫出漂亮的英文句子漂亮英文句子的三大原則1簡(jiǎn)潔明了2生動(dòng)有力3錯(cuò)落有致一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了名句欣賞1.Toerrishuman,toforgive,divine.---AlexanderPope(凡人多舛誤，唯神能見宥。)

2.Theonlyrewardofvirtueisvirtue;theonlywaytohaveafriendistobeone.---RalphWaldoEmerson

（對(duì)美德的唯一回報(bào)是美德；獲得友誼的唯一途徑是給人友誼。）3.Animalsaresuchagreeablefriends–theyasknoquestions;theypassnocriticisms.---GeorgeEliot（動(dòng)物是令人心儀的朋友，它們從不提問，更不批評(píng)。）

Ifyoupasscommentorpassacomment,yousaysomething.發(fā)（言）；陳述（意見）簡(jiǎn)潔≠簡(jiǎn)單簡(jiǎn)潔：簡(jiǎn)明扼要，沒有多余內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)單：篇幅短，字?jǐn)?shù)少，簡(jiǎn)單句多一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了例句評(píng)析1：Wordy:LiuBinworksataTVstationworkingasanewsreport.Better:1)LiuBinworksataTVstationasanewsreporter.2)LiuBinisanewsreporterataTVstation.一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了例句評(píng)析2：

Wordy:Inacautiousmannerthecarwentaround

thecorner.

Better:Thecarwentaroundthecornercautiously.一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了刪繁就簡(jiǎn)的技巧：1.介詞代替從句E.g.1.

Wordy:Whenyoucometothesecondtrafficlight,turnright.

Better:Atthesecondtrafficlight,turnright.E.g.2.

Wordy:Hecamefromafamilywhichwashighlypositionedandverywealthy.

Better:Hecamefromafamilyofwealthandposition.一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了2.用前置修飾語替代who/that從句E.g.1Wordy:ThecouplewhohadjustmarriedplanstovisitTibet.Better:Thenewly-wedcoupleplanstovisitTibet.E.g.2

Wordy:Whatdoyoumeanbybehaviorsthatare

appropriateforalady?Better:Whatdoyoumeanbyladylikebehaviors?一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了3.杜絕冗余，忌語義重復(fù)E.g.1.Redundant:Frenchwinesareamongtheworld’sbestandmostexpensivewines.Better:Frenchwinesareamongtheworld’sbestandmostexpensivewines.E.g.2.

Redundant:Theypresenttheirviewsoveralong-distancetelephonecall.

Better:Theypresenttheirviewsoveralong-distancetelephonecall.一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了4.學(xué)會(huì)使用含否定意義的詞E.g.1：Wordy:Collegestudentwhodonothavesufficientfinancialbackingcanapplyneeds-basedscholarship.Better:Collegestudentwholacksufficientfinancialbacking

canapplyneeds-basedscholarship.E.g.2:Wordy:Thesideeffectswerenotveryoftenexperiencedby

patients.Better:Thepatientsrarelyexperiencedthesideeffects.一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了5.省略關(guān)系代詞，簡(jiǎn)化句子結(jié)構(gòu)例句評(píng)析：2013年4月出版的Time

（《時(shí)代周刊》）有一篇報(bào)道，講述諾貝爾生物獎(jiǎng)獲得者PhilipSharp帶領(lǐng)的由多學(xué)科專家組成的“夢(mèng)之隊(duì)”醫(yī)療小組在癌癥治療方面取得的突破性進(jìn)展。文中有一句話:“dreamteamsfundedbyStandUPtoCancer,anorganizationstartedbyentertainment-industryfiguresunhappywiththeprogressbeingmadeagainstAmerica’smostdeadlydisease.”一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了這句話寫的非常緊湊，如果將句子補(bǔ)全，將是這樣“dreamteamswhicharefundedbyStandUPtoCancer,whichisanorganizationthatwasstartedbyentertainment-industryfigureswhowereunhappywiththeprogressthatwerebeingmadeagainstAmerica’smostdeadlydisease.”作者將五個(gè)定語從句的關(guān)系代詞全部省略。如此一來，句子結(jié)構(gòu)更加緊湊，文字更加精煉。一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了6.擯棄套話，忌華而不實(shí)E.g.Bad:Good:Wouldyouliketositdownplease?(原句出自17世紀(jì)法國(guó)喜劇作家莫里哀的作品《可笑的女才子》LesPrecieusesRidicules，該作品的目的是諷刺法國(guó)上流社會(huì)矯揉造作的語言風(fēng)格，將一句簡(jiǎn)單的“請(qǐng)坐”如此表達(dá)就可見一斑)一.簡(jiǎn)潔明了Showsomemercytothischairwhichhasstretchedoutitsarmstoyouforsolong;please

satisfyitsdesiretoembraceyou!1.Wegathertogetherheretoconsolethefamilyingrief.---Wegatherheretoconsolethefamilyingrief.2.AnIdealHusbandisafilmadaptionofOscarWilde’splaythattellsastoryofapopularpoliticianwhowasinvolvedinascandalthatledtohisdownfall.---AnIdealHusbandisafilmadaptionofOscarWilde’splaythattellsastoryofapopularpoliticianbroughtdownbyscandal.Practice3.Iamenclosingwiththislettertwodocumentsforyourreview.---Iamenclosingtwodocumentsforyourreview.4.Susanalmostfinishedtalkingonthephone,butdidnot,whenherbabywokeup.---Susanhadbarelyfinishedtalkingonthephonewhenherbabywokeup.Practice5.Theofficerapprehendedtheimbibedoperatorofthevehicle.---Theofficerarrestedthedrunkendriver.Practice二.生動(dòng)有力E.g.1Istandbeforeyoutoday,therepresentativeofafamilyingrief,inacountryin

mourning,beforeaworldin

shock….Dianawastheveryessenceofcompassion,ofduty,ofstyle,ofbeauty.這是戴安娜的兄弟斯兵塞伯爵獻(xiàn)給戴安娜的悼詞，請(qǐng)分析這句話的特點(diǎn)。Istandbeforeyoutoday,therepresentativeofafamilyingrief,inacountryin

mourning,beforeaworldin

shock….Dianawastheveryessenceofcompassion,ofduty,ofstyle,ofbeauty.今天，我代表一個(gè)悲痛欲絕的家庭站在你們面前，向沉浸在哀痛中的全國(guó)人民以及全世界震驚的人們致辭…戴安娜王妃集慈悲、責(zé)任、潮流、美麗于一身。二.生動(dòng)有力1.善用抽象名詞，表達(dá)更地道E.g.2TranslatethefollowingsentenceintoEnglish.

他的博客很快吸引了眾多忠實(shí)讀者的關(guān)注。---Hisblogsoonattractedtheattentionofmanyfaithfulreaders.---Hisblogsoonattracteda

dedicated

readership.二.生動(dòng)有力需要注意的是，雖然英語中有大量抽象名詞，且有時(shí)使用抽象名詞比具體名詞更地道，但并不是任何情況都適用。有時(shí)候這些詞過于抽象，反而會(huì)令讀者無法得到切實(shí)的形象。試比較這兩個(gè)句子：1)Joshachievedgreatsuccessinhiscareer.2)Joshreachedthetopoftheladderinhiscareer.第二句比第一句形象、具體。二.生動(dòng)有力2.動(dòng)詞多變化，表意更形象。E.g.1在面試中，如果求職者說

“ItakepartinseveralHRprojects.”面試官很可能要求說的更具體些，因?yàn)椤皡⑴c”過于籠統(tǒng)。那么求職者可以這樣說：draftproposals,spokeatmeetings,editcompanybrochures,distributeemployeepaychecks,designanddeliverHRtrainingprograms,synthesizereports,etc.二.生動(dòng)有力2.動(dòng)詞多變化，表意更形象E.g.2Theirongateofthelittleoldelevatoropenedslowlyandanenormousmanwalkedout.Theirongateofthelittleoldelevatorcreaked

openandanenormousmanwalkedout.二.生動(dòng)有力3.詞性轉(zhuǎn)化，常換常新E.g.1Fortwoweeks,thewholeLondonwas

talkingaboutWuGuanzhong’spaintings.---Fortwoweeks,WuGuanzhong’spaintingswerethe

talkofLondon.二.生動(dòng)有力3.詞性轉(zhuǎn)化，常換常新E.g.2Thecameramanwentintothegymandfoundthattheplayerswerestretchingtheirarmsandlegs,buthedidnotsee

thereferee.---Thecameramanwentintothegymandfoundthattheplayerswerestretchingtheirarmsandlegs,therefereenowhere

in

sight.二.生動(dòng)有力4.倒裝巧利用，文章賦新意E.g.1TheimmenseexpanseoftheGobiDesertstretchedbeforeus.

---BeforeusstretchedtheimmenseexpanseoftheGobiDesert.

評(píng)析：修改后的句子是全部倒裝，強(qiáng)調(diào)沙漠的廣漠。

二.生動(dòng)有力E.g.2AlthoughIamfondofmychildren,Ihopetheywon’tgrowupspoilt.---FondasIamofmychildren,Ihopetheywon’tgrowupspoilt.評(píng)析：強(qiáng)調(diào)表語fond，突出對(duì)孩子的喜愛，與“不希望孩子被寵壞”形成鮮明對(duì)比。二.生動(dòng)有力5.突出重點(diǎn)，關(guān)鍵詞重復(fù)英語名篇名句賞析：1.Wecame,wesaw,weconquered.我來，我見，我征服。這是凱撒（Caesar）在澤拉戰(zhàn)役中大勝后寫給羅馬元老院的著名捷報(bào)。這三個(gè)平行句簡(jiǎn)潔有力，讀來頗具氣勢(shì)。二.生動(dòng)有力英語名篇名句賞析：2.We

shallgototheend,weshallfightinFrance,weshallfightontheseasandoceans,weshallfightwithgrowingconfidenceandgrowingstrengthintheair,weshalldefendourIsland,whateverthecostmaybe,weshallfightonthebeaches,weshallfightonthelandinggrounds,weshallfightinthefieldsandinthestreets,weshallfightinthehills,weshallneversurrender.二.生動(dòng)有力5.突出重點(diǎn)，關(guān)鍵詞重復(fù)英語名篇名句賞析：2.這是丘吉爾在面對(duì)法西斯的毀滅性進(jìn)攻時(shí)，向英國(guó)也是向全世界作的二戰(zhàn)時(shí)期極為著名的戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)動(dòng)員演講?！拔覀儗?zhàn)斗到底。我們將在法國(guó)作戰(zhàn)，我們將在海洋中作戰(zhàn)，我們將以越來越大的信心和越來越強(qiáng)的力量在空中作戰(zhàn)，我們將不惜一切代價(jià)保衛(wèi)本土，我們將在海灘作戰(zhàn)，我們將在敵人的登陸點(diǎn)作戰(zhàn)，我們將在田野和街頭作戰(zhàn)，我們將在山區(qū)作戰(zhàn)。我們絕不投降！”二.生動(dòng)有力雖然重復(fù)某些關(guān)鍵詞可以達(dá)到突出重點(diǎn)的作用，但是寫作中要避免沒有意義的重復(fù)，否則只會(huì)顯得啰嗦。例如：ThewomanwhomImarrymustbeawomanwhodoesnotregardmeassomeonewhosechieffunctionistoconvertherintoawomanwhohaschildren.---ThewomanwhomImarrymustnotregardmechieflyasthefatherofherchildren.評(píng)析：原句中的woman并非全句關(guān)鍵信息，所以無需重復(fù)強(qiáng)調(diào)?！癮ssomeonewhosechieffunctionistoconvertherintoawomanwhohasachild”既繁冗又表意不清。改后的句子簡(jiǎn)潔清晰。二.生動(dòng)有力1.Ellenspentmostofhisvacationsittinginfrontofthetelevision.

（提示：斜體單詞可以具體化）2.Beingpreparedisthebestwaytodefendyourselfagainsttestanxiety.

（提示：斜體部分某個(gè)詞可以改變?cè)~性）3.只有當(dāng)你獲得足夠的數(shù)據(jù)，你才能得出正確的結(jié)論。

（提示：用倒裝句型翻譯這句話）Practice1.Ellenspentmostofhisvacationsittinginfrontofthetelevision.---Ellenspentmostofhisvacationslumpedinfrontofthetelevision.2.Beingpreparedisthebestwaytodefendyourselfagainsttestanxiety.

---Beingpreparedisthebestdefenseagainsttestanxiety.3.只有當(dāng)你獲得足夠的數(shù)據(jù)，你才能得出正確的結(jié)論。---Only

when

youhaveobtainedsufficientdatacan

you

come

to

asoundconclusion.Practice三.錯(cuò)落有致1.使用從句，變化才是真一篇英語文章如果通篇都是簡(jiǎn)單句或者單一的句式，就會(huì)顯得單調(diào)乏味，也暴露出寫作技巧之貧乏。靈活多變的句式能使文章增色不少例如通過分詞、從句、介詞、形容詞詞組等將若干個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單句整合成長(zhǎng)句，不僅能使句型多變，還能使句與句之間的聯(lián)系更加緊密，甚至增強(qiáng)整篇文章的邏輯性和連貫性。使用復(fù)雜多變的句式有個(gè)前提，那就是不能出現(xiàn)低級(jí)語法錯(cuò)誤，否則適得其反。三.錯(cuò)落有致E.g.1TheArtofStrategywaswrittenbySunZi.Itisafifty-six-hundred-wordChineseclassicalwork.Thewriterputforthasetofprinciples.Thebookdealswithhowtodefeatoppositionsandwinbattles.---Inhisfifty-six-hundred-wordclassics,TheArtofStrategy,SunZiputforthasetofprinciplesforachievingtriumphoveropposition.原句的問題在于：1）主謂結(jié)構(gòu)過多。2）單一的句式結(jié)構(gòu)不僅顯得句與句之間邏輯關(guān)系松散，而且文字效果單調(diào)。三.錯(cuò)落有致---Inhisfifty-six-hundred-wordclassics,TheArtofStrategy,SunZiputforthasetofprinciplesforachievingtriumphoveropposition.修改后的句子將原句的五個(gè)信息點(diǎn)（書名、作者、書籍特點(diǎn)、主要內(nèi)容、寫作目的）囊括于一個(gè)長(zhǎng)句中，將“孫子提出一系列原則”作為最核心的結(jié)構(gòu)，其余信息分別通過介詞詞組（in和for）以及同位語的形式列出，條理清楚，符合英語表達(dá)習(xí)慣。三.錯(cuò)落有致E.g.2Beijingstreetsarecrowdedwithtaxis,busesandprivatecars.Thenumberhasbeenrisingrapidlyinthelastfewyears.Thelateststatisticsshowtherearenowover5millionvehiclesinBeijingalone.---Taxis,busesandprivatecarshavecrammedBeijingstreetsinrisingnumbersinthelastfewyears—over5millionvehiclesatlastcount.原句：

三個(gè)主謂結(jié)構(gòu)，句式單一，讀來乏味，句與句之間邏輯關(guān)系松散。修改后：

主謂+同位結(jié)構(gòu)，比較精煉耐讀，邏輯關(guān)系清晰。三.錯(cuò)落有致2.采用平行，行文更工整平行結(jié)構(gòu)是以語法結(jié)構(gòu)對(duì)稱來突出句子意義的一種修辭，即把兩個(gè)或兩個(gè)以上結(jié)構(gòu)相同或相似、意義相關(guān)、語氣一致的詞、詞組或句子依據(jù)語言表達(dá)的需要進(jìn)行有意排列組合使之形成一個(gè)有機(jī)整體。三.錯(cuò)落有致2.采用平行，行文更工整E.g.1Goingtothetheater,however,islikespendingmyeveningina7-11that’sbeenequippedwithamoviescreenandcomfortableseats.5.Intheinterestofparallelism,Dianechanges“andtherearechairswhicharecomfortable”to“comfortablechairs”.三.錯(cuò)落有致E.g.2