黃西Joe Wong美國記者年會演講原文及注釋

1、my name is joe wong. but to most people, i am known as “who?” which is actually my mothers maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question. 開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然后利用中英文諧音，再聯(lián)系到信用卡密碼保護(hù)，因為網(wǎng)上注冊時選擇用于取回密碼的驗證問題里，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什么。 joking aside, i want to reassure you that i am invited here tonigh

2、t. 因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念并發(fā)到網(wǎng)上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統(tǒng)joe biden，被曝光后，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質(zhì)疑。 i grew up in china. who didnt? 我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認(rèn)為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。 most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. when i was in elementary school, as part of

3、the curriculum, i worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. thats where i learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. 主要是用生動而夸張的語言形容小時候生活環(huán)境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，后者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠(yuǎn)處一道閃光，幾秒后隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。 my dad was a grumpy guy.

4、 but occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. but he doesnt do it right.when i was 7 he said to me, “son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, i said, “why?” he said, “because i said so!” 形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘后是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那么久。這兩段就是夸張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經(jīng)歷完全

5、不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發(fā)笑。 i came to the united states when i was 24 to study at rice university in texas, that wasnt a joke, until now. i was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. and one of them said, “if you dont speak english, go home!” and i didnt notice it

6、for two years. that wasnt a joke, until now.這句是臨場發(fā)揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內(nèi)容和所用的語言本身就是很一個矛盾。 and like many other immigrants, we always wanted my son to become the president of this country. we try to make him bilingual, you know, chinese at home and english outside in public. which is really a tou

7、gh to do because many times.sometimes i had to say to him in public, “if you dont speak english, go home?” he said to me, “hi, dad, why do i have to learn two languages?” i said, “when you become the president of united states, you will have to sign legislative bills in english, and talk to debt col

8、lectors in chinese!” 此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達(dá)了中國是美國的債權(quán)國。 when i graduated from rice, i decided to stay in the us because in china i cant do the thing i do best here, being ethnic. and in order for me to become a citizen, i had to take those american history lessons where they ask questions like: whos

9、benjamin franklin? we were like, “ahh., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” whats the second amendment? we were like, “ahh., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” what is roe vs wade? we went, “ahh, two ways of coming to the united sates?” 我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常

10、有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。 later i read a lot about american history. so much so that i started to feel white guilt. in america, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents income for early education and healthcare. 這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎么會有這種優(yōu)越感，去產(chǎn)生white guilt，

11、實際上在為后面跟總統(tǒng)比做鋪墊。 i read on mens health magazine that president obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. i dont have to exercise because i have health insurance. i live in massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected scott brown. talk about mixed message! i t

12、hink there was a movie about him. its called “kill bill” 這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應(yīng)該指法案。scott brown是共和黨人，剛當(dāng)選麻省議員，反對全民醫(yī)保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫(yī)保）法案”。 we have mr. vice president joe biden here tonight. i have read your autobiography and today i see you. i think the boo

13、k is much better. they should have cast brad pitt, or angelina jolie. 美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。 so, i , to be honest to be here tonight. and i have prepared for months. eh, for tonight show and i showed the white house, my joke about president obama. and that is way he decided not to com

14、e. and he decide to talk about immigration reforms. take that stephen colbert. and president obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. you cant be badass than that. well, actually, i am thin

15、king the only way you can more badass than that is it you take nobel peace prize money and give it to the military. 諷刺奧巴馬的諾貝爾和平獎奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調(diào)侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到stephen colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當(dāng)著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當(dāng)面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當(dāng)于說：怎么樣stephen colbert，我比你牛x吧

16、we have many distinguished journalists here whom i consider as peers. because i used to wrote for the campus newspaper. i think journalism is the last refuge for puns. only on a newspaper can you say it, “i was born in the year of the horse, thats why im a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)” 馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-

17、sayer就是發(fā)出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，后者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現(xiàn)場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認(rèn)為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優(yōu)越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。 my point exactly, today is my first time on c-span, a channel i obvious always watch when i couldnt stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of pbs

18、 and qvc. if i still couldnt go to sleep after watching c-span, there are c-span2 and 3! pbs有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚(yáng)主旋律為主，qvc是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強(qiáng)。明知自己的演講時cspan在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這么干。cspan相當(dāng)于美國國會的監(jiān)控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。 i finally became a us citizen in 2008. thank you! america is number on

19、e! thats true! because we won the world series every year! 諷刺了美國國內(nèi)的各種職業(yè)聯(lián)賽冠軍頭銜都叫world champion。 after becoming the u.s. citizen, i immediately registered to vote for obama and biden. (turn and face biden) you are welcome. you had me at “guess we can” that was their slogan. 當(dāng)眾邀功奧巴馬和拜登的當(dāng)選，you had me那句是

20、指，你們的那句yes we can打動了我。 after getting obama and biden elected, i felt this power trip and started to think maybe i should run for president myself. well i have to take step back and explain a little bit. you know because i had always been morose and pessimistic guy. i feel that life is kind of like p

21、eeing into the snow in a dark winter night. you probably made a difference, but its really hard to tell. now we have a president who is half black half white. that just gives me so much hope because i am half not black half not white. two negatives make a positive. two negatives make a positive，還有下一

22、句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內(nèi)出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。 you maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? you see, i spent 10 years in the past decade. you too, ok so i understand that american people are suffering. so my campaign slogan will be, “who cares!” 這個who cares是經(jīng)典，用了一開始說的話，可以

23、理解為hu cares，也就是我關(guān)心大家的疾苦，同時who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質(zhì)，宣傳口號是口號，當(dāng)選了也許就不那么關(guān)注老百姓的感受了。 if elected, i would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote. you see that i am married now, but i used to be really scared about marriage. i was like:” wow! 50% of all marri

24、ages end up lasting forever!” 同性婚姻問題是政治熱點。一半的婚姻是要持續(xù)一生的，正常思維是擔(dān)心兩個人會離婚，這里反向思維，頗有笑果。 i will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of american workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the olson twins. 不斷地調(diào)侃總統(tǒng)和副總統(tǒng)。olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經(jīng)兩人演一個角色，在full house里。 despite heart diseases and cancer, most americans die from natural causes. if elected, i will find a cure for natural causes. you seem to like that one, but you wont be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions. pre-exist