【讀后續(xù)寫】2021年11月七彩陽光高三聯(lián)考讀后續(xù)寫講評：Learning to ask 名師課件-陳星可

20211105七彩陽光讀后續(xù)寫講評--LearningtoAsk陳星可

浙江省天臺中學試題呈現：

EveryChristmas,peopleinshoppingmalls,grocerystoresandonstreetcornerscollectdonationsfortheSalvationArmy’sprogramsforthoseinneed.Andbell-ringersarevolunteershelpingcollectdonations.Thatprobablydoesn’tseemlikeabigdealtomostpeople,butIfinditdifficult-infact,ridiculouslyhard-toaskpeopleforanything,eventhoughIquiteenjoyhelpingotherswhentheyneedahand.

MyfriendswilltellyouI’moutgoing,independent,evenadventurous.Yet,whenI’msickI’dratherstaggeroutofthedoorhalf-deadtobuysomechickensoupthanaskafriendorneighborforhelp.WhenIsignupforaruntoraisemoneyforcancer,Idonatethecashmyselfratherthanaskingothers.Thethoughtofaskingafriendforaridetotheairportiswaytoostressful,eventhoughIknowtheanswerwouldbeyes.

So,IdecidedoneChristmasIwouldtakeababystepinlearningtoask.I’ddoafewshifts(輪班)asa“bell-ringer”toseehowitfelttoaskperfectstrangerstogive.

IarrivedearlyandtriedtocalmmynervesasIapproachedthemanstanding

bythedonationbox.Forweeks,Ihadpreparedmyselfforthis.Iputtheinstructionsheetonmyrefrigeratorandre-readitmanytimes.ButIcouldnothavefeltworseasIslippedontheSalvationArmyvest(背心)andtookmyspotbesidethedonationbox.

Themanwhohadbeenavolunteerforadecadegavemesometipsbeforeheleft.Ithankedhimandconsciouslytriedtofollowthetips.Stand(don’tsit),smile,makeeyecontact,anddon’tringthebelltooloudortoooften.

Itfeltawkwardatfirst.Mylocationonthesecondfloorofshoppingmallwasn’tabusyspot,soltriedtosmileandcatchtheeyesofeverypasserby.Mostquicklyglancedaway.IworriedIwasmakingthemfeelguilty.Ididn’tlikethatatall.

Para1:Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.________________________

__

__________________________________________________________

Para2:Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome._______________________________________________________________________________________________試題呈現：Summary;ThoughmyfriendsallthinkI’moutgoing,independentand____________(adventure),Ifindit________toaskpeopleforanything.Iwouldratherdothings_____myown.Realizingtheproblem,Idecidedtolearntoaskby___________inavolunteerdonationfortheSalvationArmy,_________(work)asabell-ringer.

Forweeks,Ihadbeenpreparingmyselfforthis,readingtheinstructionsheetonmyrefrigeratormanytimes._____thetipsfromanexperiencedvolunteer,Istartedmyshiftonthe_______(two)floorofashoppingmall.Stillworriedandawkawrd,Isawawomancominginmydirection...

adventurousdifficultonparticipatingworkingWithsecondLanguagelearning1.購物大廈2.果蔬商店3.沒什么大不了的4.難以置信的難5.踉踉蹌蹌地走出門6.報名參加7.籌錢8.邁出一小步9.穩(wěn)定我的情緒，放松我的神經10.麻利地穿上11.吸引某人的目光12.一瞥后移開目光1.shoppingmall2.grocerystore3.It’snotabigdeal.4.ridiculouslyhard5.staggeroutofthedoor6.signupfor...7.collect/raisemoney8.takeababystep9.calmmynerves10.slipon11.catchsb’sattention12.glanceawayDesigntheplot:underlinedwordsdonationsshiftsdonationboxcalmmynervessmilegiveaskdifficultawkwardinneedDonationsrolledinandsoonthedonationboxwasfull.Theshiftdidchangemyperspective:Askingforhelpisnotanawkwardthing;itcanactuallymakewonders.Thelady’ssmileandheart-warmingwordsreallycalmedmynervesandIbecametoenjoyit.Onepasser-byevenaskedtohavemyphonenumbersothathecouldmakefurtherdonations.Afterall,askingfordonationstohelppeopleinneedwasneversomethingdifficultandawkward.Thinkingthatthedonationwouldhelpthoseinneed,Inolongerfeelawkward,butasenseofachievement.Designtheplot：

Para1:Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.____________________

__

__________________________________________________________

Para2:Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome._______________________________________________________________________________________________逆推法Ididagoodjobofaskingfordonationfromthelady.Q1:HowdidIfeelaboutherapproachandwhatdidIdo?Q2:Whatdidtheladydothathelpedmegetthejobdone?Q1:Whatwerethesedifferentpeopleandwhatdideachdoaboutthedonation?Q2:Whatwastheresultofthevolunteerdonation?Q3:Whatdifferencedidtheshiftmaketomylifeandperspective?Describethescene：

Para1:Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.____________________

__

__________________________________________________________

Q1:HowdidIfeelaboutherapproachandwhatdidIdo?Watchingherapproach,Iofferedanawkwardsmile,greetingherwitha“MerryChristmas”.Itriedtocalmmynervestoreceivethefirstpotentialdonor,butalltheinstructionsIhadreadmanytimesandthetipsfromtheexperiencedvolunteerescapedfrommymemory,whichmademeevenmoreembarrassed.Istoodstiff,lookedherintheeyes,smiledandgentlyrangmybell.“MerryChristmas!”Igreetedherwithanawkwardsmile.Itriedtocalmmynerves,butobviouslytherewasatouchofnervousnessinmymanner.Palmsweatingandbodytrembling,Igatheredeveryounceofmystrengthandsqueezeoutasmile,withalow“Hi!”Describethescene：

Para1:Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.____________________

__

__________________________________________________________

Q2:Whatdidtheladydothathelpedmegetthejobdone?Theladyseemedtosensemyfeelingsandreturnedmysmilewithatremendousoneofherown.

“Well,thiswon’tdo.Wecan’thavethissittingempty.”Asifhavingguessedthatthiswasmyfirsttimetobeabell-ringer,shesmiled,offeringmeanencouraginglook.ShesharedwithmeherexperienceasavolunteerfortheSalvationArmy,herfaceshiningwithpride.ItseemedthattheladyhadlookedintomyinnerworldandwhatIwassuffering,shestartedtochatwithmeinacasualwaywithsmileswrittenonherface.Describethescene：

Para1:Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.____________________

__

__________________________________________________________

Scene3:Ididagoodjobofgettingdonationfromthelady.Andwitha20-dollarintothedonationboxanda“Goodluck!”tome,sheleft.

Shesaidassheslippedatwenty-dollarbillintothedonationbox.

Ithankedherforthedonation,andIcouldfeelarippleofexcitementranthroughmybody.

Mynervescalmedassheputherdonationontothedonationbox.Andmyeyesfollowedthelady’sbackuntishewasoutofsight.Sheslippedthedonationintothedonationboxandwavedmegoodbye,abeamofdelightflushinginhereyes.Describethescene：

Para2:Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome._____________________________________________________________________________________________

Q1:Whatwerethesedifferentpeopleandwhatdideachdoaboutthedonation?(例說)Onewomansharedhowherbrotherhadbeenhelpedwithaddiction;otherstoldhowtheylookforwardtohelpingtheChristmasdonationcampaigneachyear.Quiteafewparentsgavetheirsmallchildrencoinstodropin.(例說)Somepeople,togetherwiththeirkids,putgenerousbillsintothedonationbox,asanactofkindnessandanexampletotheirkids.Onewomansharedthestoryofherbrother,whoonceservedintheSalvationArmyandgothelped.Andsomeeveneagerlyaskedabouttheprogramandofferedtojoinin.(感動，感悟)SotouchedwasIthatIfeltmoreandmorebravetoaskforgivingfromstrangers.(感悟)Onlythendiditdawnonmethatitwastheirselflessdevotionandconstantkindnessthatwarmedthebrokenheartsandhealedthelonelysouls.帶著孩子的家長；另外志愿者；有類似故事背景的人；店員；定期捐贈者；...Describethescene：

Para2:Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome._____________________________________________________________________________________________

Q2:Whatwastheresultofthevolunteerdonation?（money）Moneyrolledinandsoonfilledthedonationbox.Lookingatthebox,Ifeltasenseofsatisfactionswellinginmyheart.Mydonationweighedheavy,stuffingmyheartwithhappinessandcourage.Aconstantstreamofpassers-bylinedbeforethedonationboxanditwasnotlongbeforetheboxcamefull.Donationsfloodedinandsomeevenaskedformyphonenumbersothattheycouldreachmeandmakefurtherdonations.Describethescene：

Para2:Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome._____________________________________________________________________________________________

Q3:Whatdifferencedidtheshiftmaketomylifeandperspective?Ithasgivenmeagreatappreciationforthegoodfeelingthatcomeswithgiving,notjustformebutforeveryone.Soitfollowsthataskingforhelpisnotsuchabadthing.Itisjustanothersideoflivinginacaringcommunity.(回環(huán)照應式結尾)Afterall,askingforhelpwasnotsuchabadanddifficultthing.Moreimportantly,Ilearnedtostepoutofcomfortzoneandbesociableandthatgiving,comparedwithasking,wasequallybeautiful.Theshiftreallytaughtmealesson:Doingsomethingonone’sowncanmakeadifference,butmoreoftenthannot,askingformorecontributioncanmakemiracles!(反思式結尾)分類語言表達積累：尷尬

Shestoodbesideherchair,

surprisedandembarrassed.（動作+情感形容詞）So

embarrassed

wasshethatshestoodthereclumsily,feelingthebloodrushtoherface.She

scratched(撓)

herhead,

hopingtofindaholetohideherself.---Scratchingmyhead,Iwasdisconcerted（尷尬的）tofind…Hecouldnotbringherselftomeethereyes.

---Iloweredmyhead,avoidinglookingupathim.She

lowered

herbody,

hesitated

foramoment,wonderinghowtohideherinnerembarrassment.Sheopenedhermouth,herface/cheeksturningred/burninghot.Devinoddedherheadsilently,flushingwithembarrassment.One'scheeks/earsburned.--one'sfaceflushed/blushed.Apalepinkcreepsoverone'sneck.Adeepblush(臉紅)comesupoverone'scollar.Asuddenflushspreadoverone'scheeks.改卷給出的分數：201.作者的語言基本功還不錯，整篇文章讀起來流暢。高級表達gatherone’scourage,majority,conceal等的運用得比較得體；獨立主格結構、分詞狀語、倒裝結構等復雜的句式和語法結構都能夠準確使用。2.兩段之間的銜接顯得生硬，第一段女士的捐贈應該有所交代；有幾處的表達有明顯的中文思維的影子；語言運用也有幾處錯誤?？紙鲎魑狞c評1：考場作文點評2：改卷給出的分數：211.相對于第一篇的20分，這篇可以給出更高的分數。2.文章內容完整，與原文銜接得還好，要是結尾的感悟能夠緊扣文本就更好了。3.作者在用詞的選擇方面是用心的，如strain,utter,flush,aglowof,creepover等等；高級句式和復雜語法也用得比較自如，如倒裝結構Nosooner..than...,with+復合結構；分詞狀語、虛擬語氣等等。4.語言錯誤還是有一些。參考范文：

Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhenaladywalkedpurposefullytowardme.Istoodstiff,lookedherintheeyes,smiledandgentlyrangmybell.“MerryChristmas!”Igreetedherwithanawkwardsmile.Itriedtocalmmynerves,butobviouslytherewasatouchofnervousnessinmymanner.Theladyseemedtosensemyfeelingsandreturnedmysmilewithatremendousoneofherown.“Well,thiswon’tdo.Wecan’thavethissittingempty,”shesaidassheslippedatwenty-dollarbillintothedonationbox.Ithankedherforthedonation,andIcouldfeelarippleofexcitementranthroughmybody.

參考范文：

Fortherestofmyshift,Ibecamerelaxedandwereimpressedbydifferentpeoplecomingtome.Onewomansharedhowherbrotherhadbeenhelpedwithaddiction;otherstoldhowtheylookforwardtohelpingtheChristmasdonationcampaigneachyear.Quiteafewparentsgavetheirsmallchildrencoinstodropin.Therewasalessonformeinthislittleventureintouncomfortableterritory.Ithasgivenmeagreatappreciationforthegoodfeelingthatcomeswithgiving,notjustformebutforeveryone.Soitfollowsthataskingforhelpisnotsuchabadthing.Itisjustanothersideoflivinginacaringcommunity.下水作文：

Iwasstartingtowonderwhetherthisbell-ringingthingwasformewhena