娜塔莉波特曼2015哈佛畢業(yè)演講中英對照版

1、Hello, class of 2015. I am so honored to be here today. Dean Khurana, faculty, parents and most especially graduating students.2015屆畢業(yè)生你們好。今天我很榮幸地站在這里。迪恩庫拉納，教職員工，家長們，尤其是你們畢業(yè)生們。Thank you so much for inviting me. The senior class committee.非常感謝你們邀請我。感謝大四學(xué)生會。Its genuinely one of the most exciting thing

2、 Ive ever been asked to do.這真是我被邀請過的最令人興奮的一件事。I have to admit primarily because I cant deny it.我不得不承認(rèn)，這主要是因?yàn)槲覜]法兒否認(rèn)它。As it was leaked in the WikiLeaks release of the Sony hack that when I was invited I replied and I directly quote my own email :wow this is so nice.因?yàn)榫S基解密公布的索尼被黑資料中爆出了我受邀之時(shí)的郵件回復(fù)：“哇哦，這真

3、是太棒了?！盜m gonna need some funny ghost writers, any ideas?“我得去物色幾個(gè)搞笑代筆啊，你有啥建議么？”This initial response now blessedly public with from the knowledge at my class day we were lucky enough to have Will Ferrell as class speaker, and many of us were hung-over, or even freshly high, mainly wanted to laugh.這段人

4、盡皆知的最初回復(fù)背后的原因是我們畢業(yè)日時(shí)有幸請到了威爾法瑞爾做演講，當(dāng)時(shí)我們中的大多數(shù)都宿醉未醒，或剛開始嗨起來，于是只想笑。So I have to admit that today, even twelve years after graduation. Im still insecure about my own worthiness.所以我不得不承認(rèn)，即使是在畢業(yè)十二年后的今天，我依然對自己的價(jià)值毫無自信。I have to remind myself today you are here for a reason.我不得不提醒自己，今天你在這里是有原因的。Today I feel m

5、uch like I did when I came to Harvard as a freshman in 1999 when you guys were to make continued shock and horror still in kindergarten.今天的感覺很像我在1999年來到哈佛大學(xué)時(shí)那樣，對此我很震驚，因?yàn)槟銈兡菚r(shí)還在上幼兒園。I felt like thered been some mistake that I wasnt smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I open my mout

6、h I would have to prove I wasnt just a dumb actress.我感覺一定有哪兒弄錯了，我的智商根本不配來這里，每次我開口說話都必須證明我不只是一個(gè)愚蠢的女演員。So I start with an apology, this wont be very funny.所以我得先道歉，這個(gè)演講并不是很有趣。Im not a comedian and I didnt get a ghost writer.我不是一個(gè)喜劇演員，我也沒有找代筆。But I am here to tell you today Harvard is giving you all dip

7、lomas tomorrow.但今天我在這里告訴你，哈佛明天會給你們所有人發(fā)文憑。You are here for a reason.你們在這里是有原因的。Sometimes your insecurities and youre an experienced may lead you to embrace other peoples expectations, standards or values.有時(shí)你的不自信和缺乏經(jīng)驗(yàn)會使你接受別人的期望，標(biāo)準(zhǔn)或價(jià)值觀。But you can harness that inexperience to carve out here path one th

8、at is free the burden of knowing how things are supposed to be, a path that is defined by its own particular set of reasons.但你們要知道，無經(jīng)驗(yàn)可以造就你自己的路，一條沒有“事情應(yīng)該怎么做的負(fù)擔(dān)”的路，一條由自己的理由來定義的路。The other day I went to an amusement park with my soon to be four-year-old son and I watched him play arcade games.有一天我和我快四

9、歲大的兒子去了游樂園，我看著他玩街機(jī)游戲。He was incredibly focused, throwing his ball at the target.他非常專注的把球往靶子上扔。Jewish mother that I am, I skipped twenty steps, and was already imagining him as a major league player.作為一名猶太母親，我跳過20個(gè)步驟，已經(jīng)開始想象他是一個(gè)大聯(lián)盟的球員。With what is his aim and his arm and his concentration, but then I

10、realized what he want.頭球精準(zhǔn)，手臂健壯，全神貫注，但是后來我意識到了他想要的是什么。He was playing to trade in his tickets for the crappy plastic toys.他玩這個(gè)是為了得到票以換取那些粗劣的塑料玩具。The prize was much more exciting than the game to get it.獎品遠(yuǎn)比游戲過程令人興奮。I of course want to urge him to take joy and the challenge if the game, the improvemen

11、t upon practice, the satisfaction of doing something well, and even feeling the accomplishment when achieving the games goals.我當(dāng)然想敦促他享受游戲的歡樂和挑戰(zhàn)，在練習(xí)中進(jìn)步，表現(xiàn)優(yōu)越而獲得滿足感，甚至是在達(dá)到游戲目標(biāo)時(shí)的成就感。But all these aspects were shaded by the little ten-cent plastic man, with sticky stretchy blue arms that adhere to the wa

12、lls.但所有這些方面都被十美分的塑料小人玩具給遮蓋了，它有著可以粘在墻壁上的藍(lán)色手臂。That was the prize.這就是所謂獎品。In a childs nature, we see many of our innate tendencies.從一個(gè)孩子的天性中，我們看到了我們許多與生俱來的傾向。I saw myself in him and perhaps you do too.我在他身上看到了自己，也許你們也看到了自身。Prizes serve as false idols everywhere, prestige, wealth, fame, power.獎品作為虛假偶像無處

13、不在，聲譽(yù)，財(cái)富，名聲，力量。You will be exposed to many of these, if not all.你將會接觸到很多，至少也會碰到幾個(gè)。Of course part of why I was invited to come to speak today beyond my being a proud alumna is that Ive recruited some very coveted toys in my life, including a not so plastic, not so crappy one, an Oscar.當(dāng)然今天我被邀請來演講的部分原

14、因除了我是一個(gè)驕傲的女校友外，是因?yàn)槲以谌松惺占艘恍┓浅Ａ钊舜瓜训耐婢?，不像塑料那么廉價(jià)，也不那么蹩腳，一座奧斯卡小金人。So we bump up against the common troll I think of the commencement address people who have achieved a lot telling you that the fruits of the achievement are not are not always to be trusted.我們通常在畢業(yè)典禮演講上碰到的煩心事那就是取得了許多成功的人告訴你成功的果實(shí)并不總是值得信任。

15、But I think that contradiction can be reconciled and in fact instructed.但是我認(rèn)為矛盾實(shí)際上是可以協(xié)調(diào)的，并且具有教導(dǎo)意義。Achievement is wonderful when you know why youre doing it.成就是美好的，當(dāng)你知道你為什么這么做的時(shí)候。And when you dont know, it can be a terrible trap.如果你不知道，它就可能變成可怕的陷阱。I went to a public high school on Long Island. Syosse

16、t high school. Ooh, Hello Syosset.我念的是長島的公立高中。西奧賽特中學(xué)。哇哦，你們好，西奧賽特的校友們。The girls I went to school with had Prada bag and flat-ironed hair and they spoke with an accent, I who had moved here at age 9 from Connecticut mimicked to fit in. Florida oranges. Chocolate, Cherries.和我一起上學(xué)的女孩們有普拉達(dá)手袋，拉直了頭發(fā)，她們說話帶有

17、的口音，是我9歲從康涅狄格搬到這里后為了融入一直致力模仿的。佛羅里達(dá)橘子，巧克力，櫻桃。Since Im ancient and the Internet was just starting when I was in high school.因?yàn)槲姨狭?，在我高中的時(shí)候互聯(lián)網(wǎng)才剛剛開始興起。People didnt really pay that much attention to the fact that I was an actress.大家并不怎么在意我是一個(gè)演員。I was known mainly in school for having a backpack bigger th

18、an I was and always having white-out on my hands, because I hated seeing anything crossed out in my notebooks.我在學(xué)校為人所知的主要原因是有一個(gè)比自己還大的背包，手上總是有涂改液，因?yàn)槲矣憛捲谖业墓P記本上看到叉。I was voted for my senior yearbook most likely to be a contestant on Jeopardy or code for nerdiest.我在畢業(yè)年鑒中被評選為最可能成為智力競賽選手的人，通俗來說就是最呆的書呆子。Wh

19、en I got to Harvard just after the release of Star Wars Episode one.我在哈佛上學(xué)那年星球大戰(zhàn)一剛上映。I knew I would be starting over in terms of how people viewed me.我知道我需要重建別人對我的看法了。I feared people would assume I gotten in just for being famous, and that they will think that I was not worthy of the intellectual ri

20、gor here.我擔(dān)心人們會認(rèn)為我只是靠知名度被錄取的，他們會認(rèn)為我配不上這里嚴(yán)苛的智力水平。And it would not have been far from the truth.其實(shí)事實(shí)上八九不離十。When I came here I never written a 10-page paper before.我來到這里前從未寫過一份10頁紙長的論文。Im not even sure Id written a 5-page paper.我甚至不確定我能寫出5頁紙長的論文。I was alarmed and intimidated by the calm eyes of fellow

21、students, who came here from Dalton or Exeter who thought that compared to high school the workload here was easy.我被同學(xué)們冷靜的眼神刺激并嚇到了，他們從道爾頓或埃克塞特畢業(yè)，認(rèn)為和高中相比，這里的作業(yè)量少之又少。I was completely overwhelmed and thought that reading a thousand pages a week with unimaginable.我完全不知所措，認(rèn)為一禮拜看完一千頁書籍簡直無法想象。That writing

22、a fifty-page thesis is just something I could never do.寫一篇50頁的論文我永遠(yuǎn)都不可能做得到。I had no ideas how to declare my intentions.我完全不知道該怎么表達(dá)我的意圖。I couldnt even articulate them to myself.我對自己都無法解釋。Ive been acting since I was 11, but I thought acting was too frivolous and certainly not meaningful.我從11歲就開始演戲，但是我

23、認(rèn)為演戲是輕佻且無意義的。I came from a family of academics and was very concerned of being taken seriously.我出身書香門第，非常在意別人是否把我當(dāng)回事。In contrast to my inability to declare myself, on my first day of orientation freshman year, five separate students introduce themselves to me by saying Im going to be President. Reme

24、mber I told you that.跟我的不敢言明相比，大一新生培訓(xùn)的第一天，5位同學(xué)分別對我自我介紹說：我將來會成為總統(tǒng)。記住我今天跟你說的話。Their names, for the record, were Bernie Sanders, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz bo?te, Barack Obama, and Hilary Clinton.嚴(yán)肅地說，他們的名字分別是伯尼桑德斯，馬克盧比奧，泰德克魯茲夜總會，巴拉克奧巴馬和希拉里克林頓。（調(diào)侃總統(tǒng)候選人）In all seriousness, I believed everyone of them, their

25、bearing and self-confidence alone seemed proof of their prophecy where I couldnt shake my self-doubt.認(rèn)真來說，我相信他們每一個(gè)人，他們的態(tài)度和自信本身就足以證明他們的預(yù)言。而我卻無法擺脫自我懷疑。I got in only because Im famous. This is how others saw me and it was how I saw myself.我被錄取只是因?yàn)橹?。這就是別人對我的看法，我自己也是這么看的。Driven by these insecurities, I

26、 decided that I was going to find something to do in Harvard that was serious and meaningful that would change the world and make it a better place.在不自信的驅(qū)使下，我決定要在哈佛找到嚴(yán)肅而有意義的事情來做，以此改變世界，讓世界變得更美好。At the age of 18, Id already been acting for seven years, and assumed that find a more serious and profoun

27、d path in college.在我18歲時(shí)，已經(jīng)演了7年的戲，認(rèn)為自己該在大學(xué)找到一條更嚴(yán)肅深刻的道路。So freshman fall, I decided to take neurobiology and advanced modern Hebrew literature because I was serious and intellectual.所以大一秋季我決定修神經(jīng)生物學(xué)和高等現(xiàn)代希伯來文學(xué)，因?yàn)槲液苷J(rèn)真，很有智慧。Needless to say, I should have failed both.不用說，我兩科都應(yīng)該掛掉。I got Bs, for your inform

28、ation, and to this day, every Sunday I burn a small effigy to the pagan gods of grade inflation.順便說下，我拿了B，而且直至今日，每個(gè)禮拜天我都要燒小雕像，供奉保佑成績膨脹的異教神靈。But as I was fighting my way through Aleph Bet Yod Yshua in Hebrew and the different mechanisms of neuro-response, I saw friends around me writing papers on sai

29、ling and pop culture magazine, and professors teaching classes on fairy tale and matrix.但當(dāng)我為了希伯來語課的abc以及神經(jīng)應(yīng)答的不同機(jī)制而掙扎時(shí)，我看到朋友們寫關(guān)于帆船的論文，寫流行文化雜志，看到教授講童話故事和黑客帝國。I realized seriousness for seriousness sake was its own kind of trophy, and a dubious one, a pose I sought to counter some half-imagined argumen

30、t about who I was.我發(fā)現(xiàn)為了嚴(yán)肅而嚴(yán)肅，這本身就是一種虛榮，而且是很模棱兩可的，是為了反抗我想象出的自我而采取的一種姿態(tài)。There was a reason I was an actor, I love what I do.我當(dāng)演員是有原因的，我愛我的職業(yè)。And I saw from my peers and mentors that it was not only an acceptable reason, it was the best reason.我從我的同伴和導(dǎo)師身上看到這不只是一個(gè)可以接受的理由，這是最棒的理由。When I got my graduation

31、, sitting where you sit today, after four years of trying to get excited about something else.我參加畢業(yè)典禮的時(shí)候正坐著你們現(xiàn)在正坐的地方，我花了4年時(shí)間來尋找其它讓我開心的東西。I admitted to myself that I couldnt wait to go back and make more films.我對自己坦白，我已經(jīng)等不及去拍更多的電影了。I wanted to tell stories, to imagine the lives of others and help oth

32、ers do the same.我想要講述故事，想象別人的生活，并幫助別人做到同樣的事。I have found or perhaps reclaimed my reason.我找到了，或者說重拾了我的理由。You have a prize now or at least you will tomorrow.你們現(xiàn)在拿到了獎品，或者說明天。The prize is a Harvard degree in your hand, but what is your reason behind it?獎品就是你們手中的哈佛畢業(yè)證，但這背后當(dāng)?shù)睦碛墒鞘裁?？My Harvard degree repres

33、ents for me to curiosity and invention that were encouraged here, the friendship that i sustained, the way professor Graham told me not to describe the way like hit a flower, but rather the shadow that the flower cast, the way professor Scarry talked about theater is a transformative religious force

34、, how professor Coslin showed how much our visual cortex is activated just by imaging.哈佛學(xué)位對我來說是我在這里被激發(fā)的好奇心和創(chuàng)造力，是我維系的友誼，是格萊安姆教授告訴我的不要去描述光線是怎噩夢照射花朵的，而要描述花朵投下的影子，是斯卡里教授談到戲劇是一種變革性的宗教力量，是卡瑟琳教授向我們展示皮質(zhì)只靠想象就可以激活。Now granted these things dont necessarily help me answer the most common question Im asked, What

35、 designers are you wearing? Whats your fitness regime? Any makeup tips?雖然這些知識并不能幫助我回答最常見的問題，你穿的是哪位設(shè)計(jì)師的作品？你的健身方法是什么？有啥化妝技巧么？But I have never since been embarrassed to myself as what I might previously have thought was a stupid question.但從那之后我再沒有因此前我可能會覺得愚蠢的問題而為自己感到羞愧。My Harvard degree and other award

36、s are emblems of the experiences which led me to them, the wood-paneled lecture halls, the colorful fall leaves, the hot vanilla toscanini, reading great novels and overstuffed library chairs running through dining hall screaming ooh! ah! city steps! city steps! city steps!我的哈佛學(xué)位以及其他獎項(xiàng)都是我的經(jīng)歷的象征，木質(zhì)地板

37、的講堂，五彩的秋葉，熱香草托斯卡尼尼，在圖書館軟椅上閱讀精彩小說，在食堂里邊跑邊喊：“哇哦，城市的步伐！城市的步伐！城市的步伐！”Its easy now to romanticize my time here.如今浪漫地回想求學(xué)時(shí)光是很容易的。But I had some very difficult times here too.但我也有過非常艱苦的日子。Some combination of being nineteen, dealing with my first heartbreak, taking birth control pills that has since have be

38、en taken off the market for the depressive side effects, and spending too much time missing daylight during winter months, led me to some pretty dark moments, particularly during sophomore year.19歲時(shí)因第一次分手而心碎。吃了有問題的避孕藥，后來因?yàn)橛械乐钟舻母弊饔枚．a(chǎn)，冬天好幾個(gè)月不下樓，見不到陽光，種種致使了那段很黑暗的時(shí)光，尤其是大二那年。There were several occasion

39、s I started crying in meetings with professors, overwhelmed with what I was supposed to pull off when I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning.我曾好幾次在跟教授會面時(shí)失聲痛哭，不知道自己該如何努力而崩潰，連早上起床都很難做到。Moments when I took on the motto for my school work. Done. Not good.那段時(shí)期我對自己功課的格言是。做完了，但是不好。If only I co

40、uld finish my work, even if it took eating a jumbo pack of sour path kids to get me through a single 10 page paper.只要能完成作業(yè)，就算讓我吃超大包的酸味軟膠糖都可以，只要能寫完一篇10頁的論文。I felt that Id accomplished a great feat.我覺得自己完成了偉大的功績。I repeat to myself. Done. Not good.我反復(fù)對自己說。做完了，但是不好。A couple years ago I went to Tokyo wit

41、h my husband and I ate at the most remarkable sushi restaurant.幾年前，我跟丈夫去東京玩，我在最美味的壽司店里吃飯。I dont even eat fish. Im vegan. So that tells you how good it was.我不吃魚，我是素食主義者。所以你們該知道那有多好吃了。Even with just vegetables, this sushi was the stuff you dreamed about.即便只是蔬菜而已，那壽司都是夢寐以求的美味。The restaurant had six sea

42、ts, my husband and I marveled at how anyone can make rice so superior to all other rice.餐廳有6個(gè)座位，我丈夫和我驚訝于怎么可以把米飯做的如此無以倫比。We wondered why they didnt make a bigger restaurant and be the most popular place in town.我們想知道為什么他們不開個(gè)更大的餐廳，成為鎮(zhèn)上最受歡迎的地方。Our local friends explain to us that all the best restauran

43、ts in Tokyo are that small.當(dāng)?shù)氐呐笥严蛭覀兘忉屨f在東京所有最好的餐館都很小。And do only one type of dish: sushi or tempura or teriyaki.只做一種類型的料理：壽司、天婦羅或照燒。Because they want to do that thing well and beautifully.因?yàn)樗麄兿氚岩患赂珊?，干漂亮。And its not about quantity, its about taking pleasure in the perfection and beauty of the particu

44、lar.這跟數(shù)量無關(guān)，它關(guān)乎在追求完美中享受愉悅。Im still learning now that its about good and maybe never done, that the joy and work ethic and virtuosity we bring to the particular can impart a singular type enjoyment to those we give to you, and of course to ourselves.我現(xiàn)在仍在學(xué)習(xí)，關(guān)鍵在于做好，而不是做完，做某事時(shí)的快樂，敬業(yè)和爐火純青可以給我們服務(wù)的對象帶來一種特定

45、的享受，當(dāng)然也讓我們自己得到享受。And my professional life it also took me time to find my own reasons for doing my work.在我的職業(yè)生涯中，我花費(fèi)了不少時(shí)間來找尋我做這份工作的原因。The first film I was in came out in 1994.我參演的第一部電影在1994年上映。Again, appallingly, the year most of you were born.又是一件很嚇人的事，那年你們中的大多數(shù)才剛出生。I was 13 years old upon the film

46、s release.電影上映時(shí)我才13歲。And I can still quote what the New York Times said about me verbatim.至今我仍能一字不差的復(fù)述紐約時(shí)報(bào)對我的評價(jià)。Miss Portman poses better than she acts.波特曼小姐擺造型的功力比演戲要強(qiáng)得多。The film had a universally tepid critic response and went on to bomb commercially.這部電影在全球的反響都是不慍不火，而商業(yè)方面則是慘敗。That film is called

47、The Professional, or Leon in Europe.這部電影叫做這個(gè)殺手不太冷，在歐洲叫殺手萊昂。And today, twenty years and 35 films later, it is still the film people approach me about the most to tell me how much they loved it.直至今天，在20內(nèi)拍了35部電影之后，它仍然是人們見到我時(shí)最常提到的片子，他們告訴我有多愛這部電影。How much it moved them. How its their favorite movie.它多么的感

48、人，是他們最喜歡的電影。I feel lucky that my first experience releasing a film was initially such a disaster by all standards and measures.我感到很幸運(yùn)，我首次參演的電影起初在所有的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)看來都是一場災(zāi)難。I learned early that my meaning had to be from the experience of making the film and the possibility of connecting with individuals rather th

49、an the foremost trophies in my industry: financial and critical success.我很早就學(xué)到，我的價(jià)值應(yīng)該來自于電影拍攝過程的體驗(yàn)，來自觸碰人心的可能，而不是我們行業(yè)最首要的榮譽(yù)：商業(yè)和影評方面的成功。And also these initial reactions could be false predictors of your works ultimate legacy.而且，最初的反響可能會錯誤預(yù)測了你的作品的最終價(jià)值。I started choosing only job that im passionate about

50、 and from which I knew I could bring meaningful experiences.于是我開始只挑那些我熱愛的事情來做，直選那些我知道能汲取到有意義經(jīng)驗(yàn)的工作。This thoroughly confused everyone around me: agents, producers and audiences alike.這讓我身邊的人感到很困惑：經(jīng)紀(jì)人，制片人，還有觀眾也是如此。I made Cotayas Ghost, a foreign independent film and studied history, visiting the Prada

51、every day for four months as I read about goya and the Spanish Inquisition.我拍了外國獨(dú)立電影戈雅之靈，為此我學(xué)習(xí)歷史，連續(xù)4個(gè)月我每天研讀戈雅和西班牙裁判所。I made V for Vendetta, studio action movie for which I learned everything I could about freedom fighters whom otherwise maybe call terrorists.我拍了動作片V字仇殺隊(duì)，為此學(xué)習(xí)了所有自由戰(zhàn)士相關(guān)的東西，他們也被稱為恐怖分子。F

52、rom Menachen Begin to Weather Underground.從Menachen Begin到Weather Underground組織。I made Your Highness a pothead comedy with Danny McBride and laughed for three months straight.我拍了王子殿下，Danny McBride導(dǎo)演的大麻喜劇，這讓我足足笑了三個(gè)月。I was able to own my meaning and not have it be determined by box office receipts or

53、prestige.我可以決定自己的價(jià)值，而不是讓票房或名聲來決定。By the time I got making BlackSwan, the experience was entirely my own.當(dāng)我拍黑天鵝時(shí)，整個(gè)經(jīng)歷都是屬于我自己的。I felt immune to the worst things anyone could say or write about me, and to whether the audience felt like to see my movie or not.我感覺自己已經(jīng)刀槍不入，不管別人怎么說我，也不在意觀眾是否會看我的電影。It was i

54、nstructive for me to see for ballet dancers, once your technique gets to a certain level, the only thing that separates you from others is your quirks or even flaws.對我很有啟示的是，對芭蕾舞者而言，當(dāng)你的技巧達(dá)到一定高度后，唯一能讓你與他人不同的就是你的怪癖甚至瑕疵。One ballerina was famous for how she turned slightly off balanced.有位芭蕾舞者因轉(zhuǎn)圈輕微不平衡而出名

55、。You can never be the best technically, someone will always have a higher jump or a more beautiful line.從技術(shù)上來說，你永遠(yuǎn)做不到最好，總會有人比你跳得更高，或者有更美的姿態(tài)。The only thing you can be the best at is developing your own self.你唯一能做到最好的就是發(fā)展你的自我。Authoring your own experience was very much what Black Swan itself was about

56、.為你自己的體驗(yàn)做主就是黑天鵝中講述的事情。I work with Darren Aronofsky the films director who changed my last line in the movie to It was perfect.我與Darren Aronofsky導(dǎo)演合作，他把我電影中的最后一句臺詞改成了：這真完美?！盉ecause my character Nina is only artistically successful when she finds perfection and pleasure for herself, not when shes tryi

57、ng to be perfect in the eyes of others.因?yàn)槲绎椦莸慕巧玁ina在藝術(shù)上的成功只在為自己找到完美和愉悅之時(shí)出現(xiàn)，而不是為了試圖在別人眼中變得完美。So when blacks Swan successful financially and I began receiving accolades.所以當(dāng)黑天鵝獲得商業(yè)上的成功，而我也開始得到贊揚(yáng)之時(shí)。I felt honored and grateful to have connected with people.我覺得榮耀和感恩的事我接觸到了人心。But the true core of my meaning I had alre