爆笑英語(yǔ)笑話 中英文對(duì)照

英語(yǔ)笑話【Laughter】Recently,Ireceivedacallfromawomanwhowantedtoreplacesomechairofadiningsetboughtfromusinthe1930s.Iassuredherwecouldhelpandsoughttheassistanceoftheofficemanager.“You’llneverbeilevethisone,”Itoldtheofficemanager.“Ijustgotacallfromacustomerwhoboughtsomechairfromusinthe1930s.”BeforeIcouldfinish,heinterruptedandsaid,“Don’ttellmeshehasn’treceivedthemyet!”最近，我接到一個(gè)婦女的電話。她上個(gè)世紀(jì)30年代從我們這里買(mǎi)了一套餐廳家具，現(xiàn)在想來(lái)?yè)Q一些椅子。我跟她說(shuō)我們可以幫忙，并向部門(mén)經(jīng)理提了出來(lái)。“你肯定不會(huì)相信，”我對(duì)部門(mén)經(jīng)理說(shuō)，“我剛接到一個(gè)顧客的電話，她在30年代就從我們這買(mǎi)了一些椅子?！蔽疫€沒(méi)來(lái)得及說(shuō)完，經(jīng)理就打斷我說(shuō)：“不要告訴我她到現(xiàn)在還沒(méi)有收到貨??！”Man:Whydidyoumakewomensobeautiful?God:Sothatyouwilllovethem.Man:Butwhydidyoumakethemsodumb?God:Sothattheywilllovyou.男子：你為什么讓女人生得那么美？上帝：這樣你才會(huì)愛(ài)上她們呀！男子：可你為什么又讓女人那么笨呢？上帝：這樣她們才會(huì)愛(ài)上你呀！Father:Istheschoolclosedtoday?Son:No,Dad.It’spoen.Icamehomeearly.Father:Howdidyoudothat?Son:ItoldmyteacherIhadanewbabybrotherandhadtocomehomeandhelpyou.Father:Butyourmotherhashadtwins.You’vegotababybrotherandababysister.Son:Yes,Iknow,Dad.I’msavingupmybabysisterfornextweek.父親：今天學(xué)校放假了嗎？?jī)鹤樱簺](méi)有，爸爸。我提前回來(lái)了。父親：為什么？?jī)鹤樱何腋蠋熣f(shuō)，我有一個(gè)小弟弟，我得回家?guī)湍?。父親：但是你媽媽生了雙胞胎，你有一個(gè)小弟弟和一個(gè)小妹妹。兒子：是的，我知道，爸爸，我要等下個(gè)星期再說(shuō)我有個(gè)小妹妹了。Afterwaitingover3frustratinghoursattheairportforthearrivalofaplanethathadbeendelayedfortake-off,amanapproachedtheboardingdeskandaskedforanarrival-timeupdate.Hewasconcernedbecausehewasmeetinghisnephewandthiswastheboy’s1stflight.＂Howoldistheboy?＂theairlinerepresentativeaskedsolicitously.＂Hewas6whenheleftfortheairport,＂themanrepliedsharply.因飛機(jī)起飛延誤，一個(gè)人在機(jī)場(chǎng)等著接人已3個(gè)小時(shí)了。他走近問(wèn)詢(xún)處打聽(tīng)飛機(jī)到達(dá)時(shí)間的最新消息。他非常著急，因?yàn)樗莵?lái)接侄子的，而侄子是第一次乘飛機(jī)?！澳泻⒍啻罅耍俊焙娇展镜娜岁P(guān)心的問(wèn)。“他出發(fā)去機(jī)場(chǎng)時(shí)6歲。”他毫不客氣地回答。DearGod:Ibetitisveryhardtoloveeveryoneinthewholeworld.thereareonly4peopleinourfamilyandI’mhavingfahardtimelovingallofthem.親愛(ài)的上帝：我猜愛(ài)世界上每一個(gè)人是很困難的事。我家只有4個(gè)人，可我愛(ài)他們都很難。Threefastestmeansofcommuncation:1.Tele-Phone2.Tele-Vision3.Tele-aWomanForfastertransmission-Tellhernottotellanybody.三種最快的傳播方式：1.電話2.電視3.告訴女人如果想要傳播更快，告訴她別跟任何人說(shuō)。Customer:Everydayyouchargememoneyforacupofcoffee.Itwillbewonderfulifyouservemecoffeefreeofchargetoday.Waiter:Sir,everydayyoudrinkcoffeefromafilledcup.Itwillbewonderfulifyoudrinkitfromanemptycuptoday.顧客：你每天都收我咖啡的錢(qián)，要是今天不收就太好了。服務(wù)員：先生，你每天都從盛滿(mǎn)咖啡的杯子里喝咖啡，要是今天從空杯子里喝就好了。Attorney:Shehad3children,right?Witness:Yes.Attorney:Howmanywereboys?Witness:None.Attorney:Werethereanygirls?律師：她有3個(gè)孩子，是嗎？證人：是的。律師：幾個(gè)男孩？證人：沒(méi)有男孩。律師：有女孩嗎？John:Daddy,arecaterpillarsgoodtoeat?Father:HaveInottoldyounevertomentionsuchthingsduringmeals!Mother:Whydidyouaskthequestion,John?John:It’sbecauseIsawoneondaddy’sondaddy’slettuce,butnowit’sgone.約翰：爸爸，毛毛蟲(chóng)能吃嗎?爸爸：我沒(méi)告訴過(guò)你不能在吃飯時(shí)說(shuō)這些嗎？媽媽?zhuān)耗銥槭裁磫?wèn)這個(gè)呢，約翰？約翰：因?yàn)槲铱吹桨职值纳死镉幸恢?，不過(guò)現(xiàn)在沒(méi)了。Amangoestoachemistandasksforacurehiccps.Thechemistmakesthemanbendoverandgiveshimahardslaponhisbackandasks,＂Havetheygone?＂Themanreplied,＂Idon’tknow,mywife’sinthecarbutI’llcheck.＂一個(gè)男人去問(wèn)藥劑師怎么治打嗝。要及時(shí)讓他彎下腰，然后狠狠地在他背上拍了一下問(wèn)：“還打嗝嗎？”男人回答：“我不知道，我老婆在車(chē)?yán)铮胰タ纯??！盜nahospitalwaitingroom:Smokinghelpyouloseweight…onelungatatime!醫(yī)院候診室：吸煙有助于減肥，一次減一個(gè)肺。Aladynoticedherhusbandstandingonthebathroomscale,suckinginhisstomach.Thinkinghewastryingtoweighlesswiththismaneuver,shecommented,＂Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtohelp.＂＂Sureitwill,＂hesaid.＂It’stheonlywayIcanseethenumbers.＂一個(gè)女人看見(jiàn)丈夫使勁收腹站在體重秤上，以為他想稱(chēng)得輕一點(diǎn)，就說(shuō)：“沒(méi)用的?！闭煞蛘f(shuō)：“當(dāng)然有用，這樣我才能看到秤上的數(shù)字?！盇successfulmanisonewhomakesmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend.Asuccessfulwomanisonewhocanfindsuchaman.成功的男人是賺的錢(qián)比老婆花的錢(qián)多的人，成功的女人是能找到這樣的男人的人。Customer:I’vebeenringing07002300for2daysandcan’tgetthroughtoenquiries,canyouhelp?Operator:Wheredidyougetthatnumberform,sir?Customer:ItwasonthedoortotheTravelCentre.Operator:Sir,theyareouropeninghours.顧客：我撥07002300撥了兩天都沒(méi)人接，怎么回事呀？接線員：先生，請(qǐng)問(wèn)您在哪看到這個(gè)號(hào)碼的？顧客：旅行社門(mén)上。接線員：先生，那是我們的營(yíng)業(yè)時(shí)間。Marriageisthetriumphofimaginationoverintelligence.Secondmarriageisthetriumphofhopeoverexperience.結(jié)婚是幻想戰(zhàn)勝了智慧，二婚是希望戰(zhàn)勝了經(jīng)驗(yàn)。Tom:HowshouldIconverythenewstomyfatherthatIhavefailedmyexamsagain?David:Youjustsendatelegram:Resultdeclared,pastyear’sperformancerepeated.湯姆：我怎么跟我爸爸說(shuō)考試掛了呢？大衛(wèi)：發(fā)個(gè)電報(bào)：結(jié)果已出，去年成績(jī)?cè)诂F(xiàn)。Friend:Howmanywomendoyoubelieveamanmustmarry?Mr.Bean:16.Friend:Why?Mr.Bean:Becausethepriestsay4(for)richer,4poorer,4betterand4worse.朋友：你認(rèn)為男人應(yīng)該娶幾個(gè)女人？憨豆先生：16個(gè)。朋友：為什么？憨豆先生：因?yàn)槟翈熣f(shuō)4個(gè)富的，4個(gè)窮的，4個(gè)好的，4個(gè)壞的。＂CanIgotothetheatre?＂askedamosquitotohermother.＂Yes,butbeawareandpayattentionduringtheapplause.＂“我可以去電影院?jiǎn)?？”一只蚊子?wèn)媽媽?！翱梢?，但是要小心，觀眾鼓掌的時(shí)候可要留神?！盇newvacuumcleanersalesmanknockedonthedooratthefirsthouseonthestreet.Beforetheladycouldspeak,theenthusiastcsalesmanbargedintothelivingroomandopenedabigblackplasticbagandpouredallthecowdroppingsontothecarpet.＂Madam,ifIcouldnotcleanthisupwiththeuseofthisnewpowerfulvacuumcleaner,Iwillestitall!＂exclaimedtheeagersalesman.＂Doyouneedchillisauceorketchupwiththat?＂askedthelady.Thebewilderedsalesmanasked,＂Why,madam?＂＂There’snoelectricityinthehouse,＂saidthelady.一個(gè)吸塵器推銷(xiāo)員敲開(kāi)街上第一戶(hù)人家的門(mén)。女主人還沒(méi)來(lái)得及說(shuō)話，推銷(xiāo)員就沖進(jìn)屋子，打開(kāi)大黑塑料袋，把牛糞倒在地毯上說(shuō)，“夫人，如果我不能用這個(gè)吸塵器清理干凈，就吃掉這些牛糞！”女主人問(wèn)：“你需要辣椒醬還是番茄醬？”推銷(xiāo)員疑惑的問(wèn)：“為什么？”女主人說(shuō)：“屋里沒(méi)電?！盇teacherwasgivenaticketfordrivingthrougharedlight.Whensheappearedintrafficcourt,sheaskedthejudgeforimmediateattentiontohercaseasshewasduetobebackinclass.Thejudgelookedathersternlyandsaid,＂So,you’reaschoolteacher?Iamaboutambition.Yousitdownatthattableoverthereandwrite＇Iwentthrougharedlight＇500times!＂一名教師因?yàn)殛J紅燈被開(kāi)罰單。她到了交通法庭后，要求法官先處理她的案子，因?yàn)樗s回去上課。法官?lài)?yán)厲地看著她說(shuō)：“你是老師啊，那我終于可以實(shí)現(xiàn)我這輩子的愿望了。你坐到桌子那邊去，寫(xiě)500遍‘我闖紅燈了’！”Interviewer:Imagineyouareinalockedroom,andallthedoorsandwindowsareclosed.Howcanyouescapeiftheroomcatchesfire？John:Simple!Stopimagining.面試官：想像一下，你被鎖在一間屋子里，所有的門(mén)窗都關(guān)上了。如果屋子著火了，你怎么逃出去？約翰：簡(jiǎn)單，停止想想。Soonaftertheirwedding,thebridetoldhergroom,＂Darling,nowthatwearemarried,Iwantyoutofireyoursecretary.＂＂Buthoney,＂repliedthegroom,＂Youusedtobeasecretaryyouself.＂＂Yes,＂shecontinued,＂andthat’swhyIwantyoutofireher!＂婚禮一結(jié)束，新娘就對(duì)新郎說(shuō)：“心愛(ài)的，我想讓你開(kāi)除你的秘書(shū)。”新郎說(shuō)：“但是，親愛(ài)的，你自己以前也是秘書(shū)啊?！毙履镎f(shuō)：“是啊，所以我才讓你開(kāi)出她?！盇manwasbraggingabouthissisterwhodisguisedherselfasamanandjoinedthearmy.Listenerssaid,＂She’llhavetodresswiththeboysandshowerwiththemtoo.Won’tshe?＂＂Sure,＂repliedtheman.＂Well,won’ttheyfindout?＂Themanshrugged.＂Butwho’lltell?＂一個(gè)男人吹牛說(shuō)他妹妹打扮成男人參軍了。聽(tīng)的人說(shuō)：“那她得穿男人的衣服，還得和他們一起洗澡了？”男人人說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然?！甭?tīng)的人說(shuō)：“那他們不會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)嗎？”男人聳聳肩說(shuō)：“但誰(shuí)會(huì)說(shuō)出去呀？”Teacher:Sam,youtalkalot!Sam:It’safamilytradition.Teacher:Whatdoyoumean?Sam:Sir,Mygrandpawasastreethawker,myfatherisateacher.Teacher:Whataboutyourmother?Sam:She’sawoman.老師：薩姆，你說(shuō)話太多了！薩姆：這是家庭傳統(tǒng)。老師：什么意思？薩姆：先生，我祖父是街頭小販，我爸爸是老師。老師：那你媽媽呢？薩姆：她是女人。Teacher:WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?Student:Idon’tknow.Teacher:Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?Student:Weborrowitfromourneighbor.老師：西印度群島都產(chǎn)什么？學(xué)生：不知道。老師：你當(dāng)然知道。糖從哪來(lái)的？學(xué)生：鄰居家借的。JohnwasdrawingmoneyfromanATM.Jack,whowasrightbehindhiminlinesaid,＂Ha!Ha!I’veseenyourpassword.It’s4asterisks.＂Johnreplied,＂Ha!Ha!Youarewrong.it’s1258＂約翰正從自動(dòng)取款機(jī)取錢(qián)。站在他身后的杰克說(shuō)：“哈哈，我看到了你的密碼了，是４個(gè)星。”約翰回答說(shuō)：“哈哈，你錯(cuò)了，是１２５８”Awomganandherhusbandinterruptedtheirvacationtogotothedentist.＂Iwantatoothpulled,andIdon’twantNovocainbecauseI’minabighurry,＂thewomansaid.Thedentistwasquiteimpressed.＂You’recertainlyacourageouswoman,＂hesaid.＂Whichtoothisit?＂Thewomanturnedtoherhusbandandsaid,＂Showhimyourtoothdear.＂一個(gè)女人和丈夫在休假期間去看牙醫(yī)。女人說(shuō)：“我要拔牙，我們趕時(shí)間就不用打麻藥了?！毖泪t(yī)驚訝地說(shuō)：“您太勇敢了，要拔哪顆？”女人轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)頭對(duì)丈夫說(shuō)：“親愛(ài)的，給他看看你的牙。”Santa:Wwhatkindofwifedoyouwant?Pappu:Exactlylikethemoon:onewhichappearsatnightanddisappearsinthemorning!圣誕老人：你想要什么樣的老婆？帕普：像月亮那樣的，晚上出來(lái)白天消失。Lawofencounters:Theprobabilltyofmeetingsomeoneyouknowincreaseswhenyouarewithsomeoneyoudon’twanttobeseenwith.相遇定律：你越不想被人碰到跟某人在一起，就越是被人碰到。Lawofqueue:Ifyouchangequeues,theoneyouhaveleftwillstarttomovefasterthantheoneyouareinnow.排隊(duì)定律：如果你換一隊(duì)，剛離開(kāi)的那隊(duì)就會(huì)比現(xiàn)在的這隊(duì)走得快。Customer:Waiter,waiter!Thereisafroginmysoup!Waiter:Sory,sir.Theflyisonvacation.顧客：服務(wù)員，服務(wù)員！我的湯里有只青蛙！服務(wù)員：對(duì)不起，先生。蒼蠅放假了。Boss:I’llgiveyouRMB3000permonthandin3months,I’llraiseittoRMB6000.Sowhenwouldyouliketostart?John:In3months.老板：我每月給你3000元，3個(gè)月后漲到6000元。你想什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始工作。約翰：3個(gè)月后。Daughter:Whyaresomeofyourhairswhite,Mom?Mom:Well,everytimethatyoudosomethingwromgandmakemecryorunhappy,oneofmyhairsturnswhite.Daughter:Mom,howcomeallofgrandma’shairsarewhite.女兒：媽媽?zhuān)銥槭裁从泻脦赘最^發(fā)？媽媽?zhuān)好看文阕鲥e(cuò)了事，惹我生氣或是流淚，我就會(huì)有根頭發(fā)變白。女兒：媽媽?zhuān)瑸槭裁赐馄诺念^發(fā)都是白的。Amanentersabakerywithaloafofbread,＂Iboughtthisbreadhere,andittastersbad.＂＂What!＂exclaimedthebaker.＂I’vebeenbakingbreadfor25years!＂Themanreplies,＂Youshouldhavesolditrightaway!＂一個(gè)男人拿著一條面包走進(jìn)面包店：“這面包是在你這兒買(mǎi)的，味道很糟糕?！泵姘鼛熃辛似饋?lái)，“我的面包已經(jīng)烤25年了?！蹦腥嘶卮鹫f(shuō)：“那你不應(yīng)該留到現(xiàn)在才賣(mài)呀?！盇patientinalunaticasylumisfishinginadrypondwhenanursepassingbytriestoteasehim.＂Howmuchfishhaveyoucaught?＂thenurseasked.＂Areyouinsane?didn’tyounoticethereisnowaterinthepond?＂thepatientquipped.瘋?cè)嗽豪镉幸粋€(gè)精神病患者守著一個(gè)干涸了的池塘在釣魚(yú)。一個(gè)護(hù)士從旁邊經(jīng)過(guò)，看到這一幕覺(jué)得很好笑，邊走上去逗他?！澳汜灹藥讞l魚(yú)??？”護(hù)士問(wèn)。這病人嘲弄說(shuō)：“你有病吧，沒(méi)看見(jiàn)這池塘里沒(méi)水嗎？”AnAmericasteppedintoagunshopandsaid,＂Givemethemostpowerfulpistolyouhave.＂＂Howmanybulletsdoyouneed?＂＂Waitaminute.＂theAmericasaid.Hethenwalkedintoatelephoneboothandsaidintothephone,＂Hello.Isthisthebank?Howmanypeopledoyouhavethere,please?＂一個(gè)美國(guó)人走進(jìn)一家槍支商店：“給我拿一直威力最大的手槍。”“您需要多少發(fā)子彈？”“請(qǐng)稍等，”那個(gè)美國(guó)人走進(jìn)公用電話亭，撥通電話：“喂，銀行嗎？請(qǐng)問(wèn)你們那兒有多少人？”P(pán)unctuatethefollowingsentence:Awomanwithouthermanisnothing.Males:Awoman,withoutherman,isnothing.Females:Awoman:withouther,manisnothing.給下面句子加標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)：女人沒(méi)有她男人什么都不是。男人：女人，沒(méi)有她男人，什么也不是。女人：女人：沒(méi)有她，男人什么也不是。Twowomenweretalkingabouttheirnewmilkman.Thefirstsaid,＂He’sverygoodlooking,punctualanddressessoamartly.＂Andsoquicklytoo!＂saidtheother.兩個(gè)女人在談?wù)撔聛?lái)的送牛奶工人。一個(gè)說(shuō)：“他很帥，很準(zhǔn)時(shí)，穿戴也很講究?！绷硪粋€(gè)女人說(shuō)：“而且穿得很快?！盩racher:4beautifulgirlsarewalkingontheroad.Changeittoanexclamatorysentence.Studen:WOW!老師：4個(gè)漂亮女孩在路上走。把這句話變成感嘆句。學(xué)生：哇！Dortorscanbesofrustrating.Youwaitamonth-and-a-halfforanappointment,andhesays,＂Iwishyou’dcometomesooner.＂醫(yī)生真是讓人煩。你好不容易排了一個(gè)半月才看上病，他卻跟你說(shuō)：“你應(yīng)該在點(diǎn)來(lái)?！盤(pán)assenger:What’stheuseofhaavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate?Railroaddriver:Well,howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn’thaveashedule?旅客：火車(chē)總是晚點(diǎn)，要列車(chē)時(shí)刻表還有什么用？貨車(chē)司機(jī)：如果沒(méi)有時(shí)刻表，怎么能知道晚點(diǎn)呢？John:Dad,canyouwriteinthedark?Father:Ithinkso.Whatdoyouwantmetowrite?John:Yournameonthisreporcard.約翰：爸爸，你能在黑暗中寫(xiě)字嗎？爸爸：應(yīng)該能，你想我讓我寫(xiě)什么？約翰：在成績(jī)單上寫(xiě)你的名字。Soldier:Sir,wearesurrounded!Major:Excellent!Wecanattackinanydirectionnow!士兵：長(zhǎng)官，我們被包圍了！少校：太好了，我們可以向任何方向進(jìn)攻！Boy:Goon,don’tbeshy.Askmeout!Girl:Okay,getout!男孩：接著說(shuō)，別害羞，叫我出去吧!女孩：好啊，出去！Dad:Son,whatdoyouwantforyourbirthday?Son:Notmuchdad,justaradiowithasportscararoundit.爸爸：兒子，你生日想要什么禮物？?jī)鹤樱翰欢?，爸爸，就想要一個(gè)帶跑車(chē)的收音機(jī)。Doctor:Yourhusbandneedsrestandpeace.Herearesomesleepingpills.Wife:WhenmustIgivethemtohim?Doctor:Theyareforyou.醫(yī)生：你丈夫需要安靜地休息。這是安眠藥。老婆：我什么時(shí)候給他吃？醫(yī)生：這是給你的。Theycallourlangugethemothestonguebecausethefatheseldomgetstospeak.人們管自己的語(yǔ)言叫母語(yǔ)，因?yàn)榘职趾苌儆袡C(jī)會(huì)說(shuō)話。Wife:Youknow,IwasafoolwhenImarriedyou.Husband:Yes,dear,butIwasinloveanddid’tnotice.老婆：知道嗎，我嫁給你的時(shí)候可真是個(gè)傻子。老公：是的，親愛(ài)的，我當(dāng)時(shí)陷入愛(ài)河，沒(méi)發(fā)現(xiàn)。Doctor:Hastherebeenanyinsanityinyourfamily?Patient:Yes,husbanthinkshe’stheboss.醫(yī)生：你們家里有精神不正常的人嗎？病人：是的，醫(yī)生。我丈夫覺(jué)得他是家里的一把手。Lawofthealibi:Ifyoutellthebossyouwerelateforworkbecauseyouhadaflattire,thenextmorningyouwillhaveaflattire.借口定律：如果你對(duì)老板說(shuō)遲到是因?yàn)檐?chē)臺(tái)沒(méi)氣，第二天車(chē)胎肯定沒(méi)氣。Girl:Whenwegetmarried,Iwanttoshareallyourwrrries,troublesandlightenyourburden.Boy:It’sverykindofyou,darling,butIdon’thaveanyworriesortroubles.Girl:Wellthatisbecausewearen’tmarriedyet.女孩：我們結(jié)婚后，我要分擔(dān)你的憂(yōu)愁、煩惱，減輕你的負(fù)擔(dān)。男孩：親愛(ài)的，你太好了，但是我沒(méi)有什么憂(yōu)愁和煩惱。女孩：那是因?yàn)槲覀冞€沒(méi)結(jié)婚呢。Girlfriend:Areyousureyoulovemeandnooneelse?Boyfriend:Deadsure!Icheckedthewholelistagainyesterday.女友：你確定你只愛(ài)我一個(gè)？男友：絕對(duì)！昨天我剛查過(guò)名單。Arescueteamfinallyfindsthecrashedairplane.Thelonesurvivorischewingonabone,withahugepileofhumanbonesnexttohim,andtherescuersareshocked.hesay,＂Youcan’tjudgemeforthis.Ihadtosurvive.＂Theleaderoftherescueteamsays,＂Butman…yourplaneonlywentdownyesterday.＂營(yíng)救小組發(fā)現(xiàn)了墜毀的飛機(jī)。唯一的幸存者正在啃骨頭，旁邊有一大堆人骨。營(yíng)救人員驚呆了。幸存者說(shuō)：“你們不能指責(zé)我，我要生存?！睜I(yíng)救組長(zhǎng)說(shuō)：“但是，老兄，你們的飛機(jī)昨天才墜毀。”Wife:Youtellamansomething,andthenitwillgoinoneearandcomeoutoftheother.Husband:Youtellawomansomethingandthenitwillgoinbothearsandcomeoutofthemouth.老婆：你對(duì)男人說(shuō)一件事，它會(huì)從一只耳朵進(jìn)另一只耳朵出。老公：你對(duì)女人說(shuō)一件事，它會(huì)從兩只耳朵進(jìn)從嘴里出。Attorney:Howwasyourfistmarriageterminated?Witness:Bydeath.Attorney:Andbywhosedeathwasitterminated?律師：你第一次婚姻怎么結(jié)束的？證人：死亡。律師：誰(shuí)死亡？Baththeorem:Whenthebodyisinmmersedinwater,thetelephonerings.洗澡法則：一躺進(jìn)浴缸，電話就會(huì)響。IfyouwantsomeonewhowilleatwhateveryouputinfrontofhimAndneversaysit’snotquiteasgoodashismothermadeit-buyadog.如果你想找一個(gè)不管做什么都吃，還不抱怨沒(méi)他媽媽做的好的人，買(mǎi)條狗吧。Judge:Whydidyouhityourhusbandwithachair?Wife:Icouldn’tliftthetable.法官：你為什么用椅子打你丈夫？妻子：我拎不動(dòng)桌子。Thepsychiatristhasreallyhelpedmealot.Iwouldneveranswerthephone,becauseIwasafraid.NowIansweritwhetheritringsornot.精神專(zhuān)家真的幫了我大忙。以前我不敢接電話，現(xiàn)在不管電話響不響我都都接。Interviewer:Whydidyouleaveyourlastjob?John:Becausethecompanyshiftedofficeanddidnottellwhere.面試官：你為什么辭去上一份工作？約翰：因?yàn)楣緭Q了辦公地點(diǎn)，沒(méi)告訴我搬到哪去了。WhenIreadabouttheevilsofdrinking…Igaveupreading.每當(dāng)我讀到喝酒的壞處時(shí)，我就戒掉閱讀。Youknowyourkidshavegrownupwhen:yourdaughterbeginstoputonlipstickandyoursonstartstowipeitoff.當(dāng)你女兒開(kāi)始涂口紅，而你兒子擦去口紅時(shí)，你就知道他們已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了。Father:Yourtaechersaysshefindsitimpossibletoteachyouanthing!Son:That’swhyIsayshe’snogood!爸爸：你的老師說(shuō)沒(méi)法教會(huì)你任何東西！兒子：所以我說(shuō)他不是個(gè)好老師?。:Whatdoyouuseforwashingdishes?B:On,I’vetriedmanythingsbutfoundmyhusbandisbest.甲：你用什么洗完？乙:哦，我試過(guò)很多東西，后來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)老公最好用。ASundayschoolteacheraskedherchildrenastheywereonthewaytoachurchservice,＂Whyisitnecessarytobequietinchurch?＂Onebrightlittlegirlreplied,＂Becausepeoplearesleeping.＂一位主日學(xué)校的老師在去教室的路上問(wèn)她的孩子們：“為什么在教堂里要保持安靜??？”一個(gè)聰明的小女孩說(shuō)：“因?yàn)槿藗冊(cè)谒X(jué)?！盧estroomUse:Entirelytoomuchtimeisbeingspentintherestroom.Thereisnowastrict3minutetimelimiltinthestalls.Attheendof3minutes,analarmwillsound,thetolletpaperrollwillretract,thestalldoorwillopenandapicturewillbetaken.Afteryour2ndoffense,yourpicturewillbepostedonthecompanybulletinboard.廁所使用規(guī)則：大家上廁所的時(shí)間太長(zhǎng)，現(xiàn)在規(guī)定一次只能去三分鐘。時(shí)間一到，廁紙會(huì)縮回，廁所門(mén)會(huì)打開(kāi)，你將被拍下來(lái)。如果第二次違反規(guī)定，照片將被貼到公司公告欄。Whenamanstealsyourwife,thereisnobetterrevengethantolethimkeepher.當(dāng)一個(gè)男人偷走你老婆時(shí)，最好的報(bào)復(fù)就是讓他留著她。Abeggarwalksuptoawell-dressedwomanandsaid,＂Ihaven’teatenanythingin4days.＂Shelookedathimandsaid,＂God,IwishIhadyourwillpower.＂一個(gè)乞丐走到一位衣著華麗的女士跟前說(shuō)：“我4天沒(méi)吃東西了?！迸丝戳丝此f(shuō)：“老天，我希望能有你這樣的意志力。”Woman:Willyoualsolovemeaftermarriage?Man:Thisdependsonyourhusband,ifheallowsme.女人：結(jié)婚后你還會(huì)愛(ài)我嗎？男人：那要看你老公了，他讓的話我就愛(ài)。Teacher:TomorrowtherewillbealectureontheSun.Everyonemustattendit.John:Noma’m!Iwillnotbeabletoattendit.Teacher:Why?John:Mymotherw